Rules of the Tournament
-The tournament is organized in a series of 2 v. 2 matches
-If there are not enough eligible participants for a 2 v. 2 match, a temporary substitute may be brought in
-A participant is removed from the tournament is they are killed, rendered unconscious, or knocked out of the ring during a match
-Matches end when both fighters from one team are removed
-Attacking participants outside of matches is grounds for disqualification
-Any weapons or tools which the participant brings into the ring are legal
-Outside interference during a match is grounds for disqualification
-Rules may change at the whims of the King Fear
Participants, Organized by Universe
Main Universe
-Omega
-Spacefuture Blogger
Mephi
-I-330
-Lisa Wells
Slenderverse
-Arkady Svidrigailov
Match of the Century
-C.U.T.E.
The Game Master’s Tournament
-Drake Miri
High School Never Ends
-Magical Girl Salmacis
RAPTURE
-Jordan Dooling
-The Beast
Plan 31
-Frank Slenderman
Cloudverse
-Socky
Somniverse
-Faceless Bastard
A Verdant Landscape
-Lenore
Danielverse
-Red Daniel
???
-Omega (Author)
Fears
-Blind Man
-Wooden Girl
-EAT
-Plague Doctor
-Woman in the Wind
-King in the Mountain
-Marchen
-Pale Maiden
-Choir
-Mother of Snakes
-Aqualung
-Unnamed Child
-Lord of Chains
-Unbounded Face
-DEVOUR
-Reveler
-Morsus Rabbit
-Nobody
-Smiling Man
-Constant Wanderer
-Red Cap
-Last Gift
-Glitch
-Grotesque
-Brickathor
Monday, December 12, 2016
Friday, December 9, 2016
Tournament Registration Begins! Meet Fighters from Across the Multiverse!
Even though I had been personally invited by the King Fear to this tournament, I still had to go through the registration process for it. Damned red tape. The organizers at the arena were all human-sized chess pieces that somehow managed to move and talk on their own power. I had to ask some pawns for directions and was led to a small building outside the coliseum labeled as the registry and waiting area. Standing outside was Blind Man-sensei.
“Blind Man-sensei!” I called over to him. “What brings you here?”
“Now that my mastery of Kung-Fu is no longer a secret, I have decided to compete in the Martial Arts Tournament! Also you promised me more screen time in this blog, so I’m getting all the scenes I can get.”
“Well it is good to see you again, Blind Man-sensei! Now let us register for this tournament!”
A white rook sat at the registration desk. “Name, please. “It said to me as I approached.
“I am the hope of the universe! I am the champion of Justice! I am the defender of all who dream of Freedom! I am Super Omega!”
“…. Shorter name, please.”
“Omega.”
“Thank you. Please remember you are not to attack other tournament participants outside of the fights. Next!”
Spacefuture Blogger and Blind Man-sensei signed up next. Overblogger, however, stayed back. “Don’t you want to participate?” I asked. “You showed your fighting prowess in the Convocation fight!”
“No, my purpose is not to fight in this tournament.” She said. “I am to record it.”
***
All tournament participants and their parties were asked to stay in a waiting room in the registration building. The crowd packed into the room was unexpectedly mundane looking. I suppose when you think about it, a lot of Fears fall in the “looks mostly like a regular person but with some creepy stuff thrown in” formula. There had been a number of vibrant conversations taking place prior to our appearance, but Omega’s entrance silenced them faster than an awkward joke at a party. Dozens of supernatural eyes glared at our group with open hatred. Were it not for the rules of the tournament, I don’t doubt most of them would have tried to kill him right then and there.
While Spacefuture Blogger seemed appropriately nervous about being the center of attention for so many monsters, Omega was unfazed. “Look at this pathetic lot, Blind Man-sensei!” He’d clearly intended for that to be a whisper, but volume control was still a skill Omega had yet to gain any competence in. “This tournament will be no problem at all!”
“Beware hubris, my student.” The Blind Man sagely said. “It has been many great fighter’s downfall.”
“It is not hubris, but truth! Why, I bet I could fight every Fear in here right now and would still emerge victorious!”
Many of the Fears looked like they wanted to test that claim. Omega was saved from another series of painful deaths when the sounds of a scuffle drew the crowd’s attention away from him. Despite the restrictions on fighting here, someone had started throwing punches. The victim was lying on the ground, clutching what would have been his nose if he’d had a face. The aggressor was a wild looking man with a scarred face and a tangled mass of dark hair falling over his shoulders. “We meet again, Slender Man!” His voice boomed through the room, almost as loud as Omega’s usual speaking tone. It had a strange accent to it, like someone trying and failing to sound sophisticated. “At long last, you shall meet your fated demise at the hands of I, Arkady Ivanovich Svidrigailov!” If anyone else noticed that he had mispronounced “Arkady,” they didn’t say. It was clear why no one would want to confront him. Arkady seemed to radiate a violent mania. His lips were pulled back as far as they could in a sadistic smile, and his eyes darted across the room, looking for any excuse to fight.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” The faceless victim groaned. “I’m just a defense attorney!”
Arkady clearly wasn’t the type to pay any mind to what others were saying. “Your illusions won’t fool me this time! Today, I finally kill the Slender Man!”
A woman’s voice rang out. “Who’s going to kill the Slender Man?”
The crowd parted to le the speaker through, and two young woman appeared. The one in front’s appearance was striking. The blue suit, long coat, eyepatch, opened can of beer in her hand, and black hair reaching to her ankles were all created a unique appearance. But it was something more than that; some kind of inhuman charisma that demanded she be the center of everyone’s attention without her having to say a word. It was easy to miss the second woman, nervously hiding behind her bolder companion. “There’s only one person here who’s going to kill that suited asshole.” The eyepatched woman said with a bold smirk. “And that’s me, I-330.”
Arkady threw back his head and roared with overdramatical laughter. “You? Don’t get aspirations above your station! I am the only one worthy of challenging Slendy. The rest of you weaklings should just go back home.”
The smirk on I-330’s face remained, but it seemed stretched tighter as she forced herself to suppress her anger. “Lisa, hold my beer.” She said before passing her drink to her companion. “I have to punch a fucker.” For a moment, her eye turned bright red.
Security finally decided it should enforce its rules, and a large white knight piece smashed through the ceiling and landed between Arkady and I-330. “Fighting between participants is forbidden outside of matches.” It’s unnaturally monotone voice said.
“Screw your rules!” Arkady said. “I’m not going to miss this chance to finally kill Slender Man.”
“The man you punched was not the Slender Man.” The white knight continued. “He is Frank Slenderman, Ace Attorney.”
I-330 seemed to think for a moment. “But if that’s not Slender Man….” She mused. “Where is it? I was looking forward to settling some scores with it here.”
“The Slender Man is not a participant in this tournament on account of being dead.”
All the color drained from Arkady’s face upon hearing that. He staged back, almost as if he’d been punched in the gut. “Dead?” He croaked out. “How? Who?”
Omega burst onto this scene like fireworks at a funeral. “Twas I who slew the Slender Man!” He yelled.
Arkady’s face twisted with tremendous rage. “You!” He screamed, stomping towards Omega with his hands clenched into fists. “You stole my glory! You! You….” In a sudden instant, the rage fell away, and Arkady’s manic smile returned. “Yes! You! You shall be the next target on my hunt for glory! The one thing greater than defeating a god would be defeating a man who kills gods! I shall look forward to our battle, Omega!” With his final shout still ringing in our ears Arkady walked away, likely looking for someone to punch to occupy his time.
I-330 shook her head and chuckled with slight disbelief. “What an asshole. Speaking as someone who’s known a lot of assholes in my time, that there is a grade A son of a bitch.” Without any care for personal space, I-330 put her arm over Omega’s shoulder. “Congrats on taking down Slendy. You prolly already heard, but my names I-330. That’s Lisa there. Say hi, Lisa.”
The girl, keeping her eyes on the floor, mumbled something that might have been “Hello.”
“Isn’t she adorable?” I-330 said. “Anyways, just wanted to let you know, I’m going to kick your ass in the tournament for robbing me of my chance to get payback on that faceless fucker. Ciao!” And without any explanation how, she vanished into thin air. We scarcely had time to register our shock before she appeared again. “Sorry! Forgot my girlfriend can’t teleport. Come on Lisa, let’s go.” She took Lisa by the hand, and the two walked into the crowd.
This certainly is starting to seem like it will be an interesting tournament.
“Blind Man-sensei!” I called over to him. “What brings you here?”
“Now that my mastery of Kung-Fu is no longer a secret, I have decided to compete in the Martial Arts Tournament! Also you promised me more screen time in this blog, so I’m getting all the scenes I can get.”
“Well it is good to see you again, Blind Man-sensei! Now let us register for this tournament!”
A white rook sat at the registration desk. “Name, please. “It said to me as I approached.
“I am the hope of the universe! I am the champion of Justice! I am the defender of all who dream of Freedom! I am Super Omega!”
“…. Shorter name, please.”
“Omega.”
“Thank you. Please remember you are not to attack other tournament participants outside of the fights. Next!”
Spacefuture Blogger and Blind Man-sensei signed up next. Overblogger, however, stayed back. “Don’t you want to participate?” I asked. “You showed your fighting prowess in the Convocation fight!”
“No, my purpose is not to fight in this tournament.” She said. “I am to record it.”
***
All tournament participants and their parties were asked to stay in a waiting room in the registration building. The crowd packed into the room was unexpectedly mundane looking. I suppose when you think about it, a lot of Fears fall in the “looks mostly like a regular person but with some creepy stuff thrown in” formula. There had been a number of vibrant conversations taking place prior to our appearance, but Omega’s entrance silenced them faster than an awkward joke at a party. Dozens of supernatural eyes glared at our group with open hatred. Were it not for the rules of the tournament, I don’t doubt most of them would have tried to kill him right then and there.
While Spacefuture Blogger seemed appropriately nervous about being the center of attention for so many monsters, Omega was unfazed. “Look at this pathetic lot, Blind Man-sensei!” He’d clearly intended for that to be a whisper, but volume control was still a skill Omega had yet to gain any competence in. “This tournament will be no problem at all!”
“Beware hubris, my student.” The Blind Man sagely said. “It has been many great fighter’s downfall.”
“It is not hubris, but truth! Why, I bet I could fight every Fear in here right now and would still emerge victorious!”
Many of the Fears looked like they wanted to test that claim. Omega was saved from another series of painful deaths when the sounds of a scuffle drew the crowd’s attention away from him. Despite the restrictions on fighting here, someone had started throwing punches. The victim was lying on the ground, clutching what would have been his nose if he’d had a face. The aggressor was a wild looking man with a scarred face and a tangled mass of dark hair falling over his shoulders. “We meet again, Slender Man!” His voice boomed through the room, almost as loud as Omega’s usual speaking tone. It had a strange accent to it, like someone trying and failing to sound sophisticated. “At long last, you shall meet your fated demise at the hands of I, Arkady Ivanovich Svidrigailov!” If anyone else noticed that he had mispronounced “Arkady,” they didn’t say. It was clear why no one would want to confront him. Arkady seemed to radiate a violent mania. His lips were pulled back as far as they could in a sadistic smile, and his eyes darted across the room, looking for any excuse to fight.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” The faceless victim groaned. “I’m just a defense attorney!”
Arkady clearly wasn’t the type to pay any mind to what others were saying. “Your illusions won’t fool me this time! Today, I finally kill the Slender Man!”
A woman’s voice rang out. “Who’s going to kill the Slender Man?”
The crowd parted to le the speaker through, and two young woman appeared. The one in front’s appearance was striking. The blue suit, long coat, eyepatch, opened can of beer in her hand, and black hair reaching to her ankles were all created a unique appearance. But it was something more than that; some kind of inhuman charisma that demanded she be the center of everyone’s attention without her having to say a word. It was easy to miss the second woman, nervously hiding behind her bolder companion. “There’s only one person here who’s going to kill that suited asshole.” The eyepatched woman said with a bold smirk. “And that’s me, I-330.”
Arkady threw back his head and roared with overdramatical laughter. “You? Don’t get aspirations above your station! I am the only one worthy of challenging Slendy. The rest of you weaklings should just go back home.”
The smirk on I-330’s face remained, but it seemed stretched tighter as she forced herself to suppress her anger. “Lisa, hold my beer.” She said before passing her drink to her companion. “I have to punch a fucker.” For a moment, her eye turned bright red.
Security finally decided it should enforce its rules, and a large white knight piece smashed through the ceiling and landed between Arkady and I-330. “Fighting between participants is forbidden outside of matches.” It’s unnaturally monotone voice said.
“Screw your rules!” Arkady said. “I’m not going to miss this chance to finally kill Slender Man.”
“The man you punched was not the Slender Man.” The white knight continued. “He is Frank Slenderman, Ace Attorney.”
I-330 seemed to think for a moment. “But if that’s not Slender Man….” She mused. “Where is it? I was looking forward to settling some scores with it here.”
“The Slender Man is not a participant in this tournament on account of being dead.”
All the color drained from Arkady’s face upon hearing that. He staged back, almost as if he’d been punched in the gut. “Dead?” He croaked out. “How? Who?”
Omega burst onto this scene like fireworks at a funeral. “Twas I who slew the Slender Man!” He yelled.
Arkady’s face twisted with tremendous rage. “You!” He screamed, stomping towards Omega with his hands clenched into fists. “You stole my glory! You! You….” In a sudden instant, the rage fell away, and Arkady’s manic smile returned. “Yes! You! You shall be the next target on my hunt for glory! The one thing greater than defeating a god would be defeating a man who kills gods! I shall look forward to our battle, Omega!” With his final shout still ringing in our ears Arkady walked away, likely looking for someone to punch to occupy his time.
I-330 shook her head and chuckled with slight disbelief. “What an asshole. Speaking as someone who’s known a lot of assholes in my time, that there is a grade A son of a bitch.” Without any care for personal space, I-330 put her arm over Omega’s shoulder. “Congrats on taking down Slendy. You prolly already heard, but my names I-330. That’s Lisa there. Say hi, Lisa.”
The girl, keeping her eyes on the floor, mumbled something that might have been “Hello.”
“Isn’t she adorable?” I-330 said. “Anyways, just wanted to let you know, I’m going to kick your ass in the tournament for robbing me of my chance to get payback on that faceless fucker. Ciao!” And without any explanation how, she vanished into thin air. We scarcely had time to register our shock before she appeared again. “Sorry! Forgot my girlfriend can’t teleport. Come on Lisa, let’s go.” She took Lisa by the hand, and the two walked into the crowd.
This certainly is starting to seem like it will be an interesting tournament.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Round 2! The Ultimate Battle!
It wasn’t hard to find the Dying Man. After all, there aren’t that many muscular flying man with tumors the size of watermelons growing out of their heads in the world. He seemed surprised to see me when I arrived. “Already back for another beating, Omega? I was just about to kill Memes, but I can spare some time to play with you.”
“You won’t be killing anything else, Dying Man! Your terror ends now!”
“I’d like to see you try and stop me! I destroyed you the last time we fought!”
“I’m not the same Omega you fought before! I have become the legendary Super Omega!”
“Super or not, you cannot hope to defeat Death itself! Now come, let us fight!”
The Dying Man and I lunge forward. Our fists slammed into each other, creating a shockwave that destroyed the ground beneath us! I gave a devastating kick to his gut! He responded with a brutal punch to the face! We flew across the sky, trading blows in a vicious melee that moved too fast for human eyes to follow!
We broke from our engagement briefly, each landing on a pile of rubble created from our fight. “Impressive, Omega! You’re putting up much more of a fight than the last time! Unfortunately for you, I’m only using a fraction of my full power! Once I reach 100% power, you won’t stand a chance against me!” The Dying Man screamed as he began powering up! Then I punched him in the face.
“What are you doing? I was powering up! You’re supposed to stand there and wait while I power up!” The Dying Man said as he cradled his broken nose.
“If your full power is so powerful, I’m not going to let you reach it!”
“That’s not fair!”
“Life isn’t fair!” I shouted as I roundhouse kicked him in the face. He blocked that attack, but I followed with yet more punches.
“Stop it… stop it!” The Dying Man cried as he defended against my assault. “Just let me power up!”
“Never!”
The Dying Man screamed with rage and punched me out of the way. “Fine! If I can’t power up, then I’ll just kill everyone!” He flew into the air and began charging energy in his hands. “DEATH BEAM!” The Dying Man unleashed the energy as a beam of pure death, aimed right at the Earth!
Acting quickly, I caught the beam with my hands before it could hit the ground. But the Dying Man put more power behind the beam, causing me to be driven back. I was putting all my strength into holding back his attack, but it wasn’t enough. I was driven further into the ground, until it looked like I was going to be crushed entirely.
“Yes!” The Dying Man yelled. “You cannot much my power! Everything will die, and there’s nothing your weak body can do to stop it!”
“Future Sword!”
Spacefuture Blogger leaped behind the Dying Man and stabbed him with a laser sword. It didn’t do much damage, but it took the Dying Man’s attention off me for a moment. In that crucial second, I punched the beam back at him! The energy smashed into the Dying Man, and he let out a terrified “NOOOOO!” as he was completely destroyed. At last, Anime had been avenged.
There was little time to celebrate, for among the Dying Man’s ashes appeared a fireplace and an old radio. “Well done, Omega.” The King Fear said through the radio. “That was an impressive battle.”
“Enough of your games!” I said. “Come out of hiding and face me!”
“Not yet. You still haven’t proven yourself worthy. But there is one place you may prove your worth… In the arena!”
Suddenly I was standing in the middle of a coliseum, surrounded by cheering crowds. The King Fear continued to speak over the crowd’s roar. “Welcome to the first Multiverse Fear Budokai Tenkaichi Martial Arts Tournament! Where fighters and Fears from every universe battle each other for glory, and the prize of a string free boon from the King Fear himself!”
“A martial arts tournament? Ha! My Kung-Fu is the strongest there is! My victory is assured! I accept your challenge, King Fear!”
“Very good. I will look forward to seeing your fights, Omega.”
“You won’t be killing anything else, Dying Man! Your terror ends now!”
“I’d like to see you try and stop me! I destroyed you the last time we fought!”
“I’m not the same Omega you fought before! I have become the legendary Super Omega!”
“Super or not, you cannot hope to defeat Death itself! Now come, let us fight!”
The Dying Man and I lunge forward. Our fists slammed into each other, creating a shockwave that destroyed the ground beneath us! I gave a devastating kick to his gut! He responded with a brutal punch to the face! We flew across the sky, trading blows in a vicious melee that moved too fast for human eyes to follow!
We broke from our engagement briefly, each landing on a pile of rubble created from our fight. “Impressive, Omega! You’re putting up much more of a fight than the last time! Unfortunately for you, I’m only using a fraction of my full power! Once I reach 100% power, you won’t stand a chance against me!” The Dying Man screamed as he began powering up! Then I punched him in the face.
“What are you doing? I was powering up! You’re supposed to stand there and wait while I power up!” The Dying Man said as he cradled his broken nose.
“If your full power is so powerful, I’m not going to let you reach it!”
“That’s not fair!”
“Life isn’t fair!” I shouted as I roundhouse kicked him in the face. He blocked that attack, but I followed with yet more punches.
“Stop it… stop it!” The Dying Man cried as he defended against my assault. “Just let me power up!”
“Never!”
The Dying Man screamed with rage and punched me out of the way. “Fine! If I can’t power up, then I’ll just kill everyone!” He flew into the air and began charging energy in his hands. “DEATH BEAM!” The Dying Man unleashed the energy as a beam of pure death, aimed right at the Earth!
Acting quickly, I caught the beam with my hands before it could hit the ground. But the Dying Man put more power behind the beam, causing me to be driven back. I was putting all my strength into holding back his attack, but it wasn’t enough. I was driven further into the ground, until it looked like I was going to be crushed entirely.
“Yes!” The Dying Man yelled. “You cannot much my power! Everything will die, and there’s nothing your weak body can do to stop it!”
“Future Sword!”
Spacefuture Blogger leaped behind the Dying Man and stabbed him with a laser sword. It didn’t do much damage, but it took the Dying Man’s attention off me for a moment. In that crucial second, I punched the beam back at him! The energy smashed into the Dying Man, and he let out a terrified “NOOOOO!” as he was completely destroyed. At last, Anime had been avenged.
There was little time to celebrate, for among the Dying Man’s ashes appeared a fireplace and an old radio. “Well done, Omega.” The King Fear said through the radio. “That was an impressive battle.”
“Enough of your games!” I said. “Come out of hiding and face me!”
“Not yet. You still haven’t proven yourself worthy. But there is one place you may prove your worth… In the arena!”
Suddenly I was standing in the middle of a coliseum, surrounded by cheering crowds. The King Fear continued to speak over the crowd’s roar. “Welcome to the first Multiverse Fear Budokai Tenkaichi Martial Arts Tournament! Where fighters and Fears from every universe battle each other for glory, and the prize of a string free boon from the King Fear himself!”
“A martial arts tournament? Ha! My Kung-Fu is the strongest there is! My victory is assured! I accept your challenge, King Fear!”
“Very good. I will look forward to seeing your fights, Omega.”
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Time to Train! Gonna Fly Now!
We
returned victorious to the Blind Man’s library, the ancient artifact of Ecived
Tolp in hand.
“Blind
Man! I have brought you the artifact you wanted! Now teach me Kung-Fu!”
“You
are indeed worthy of my training, Omega.” He said. “Hand me the artifact of
Ecived Tolp and we may begin.”
I
gave him the artifact. As he held it, it began to glow, and I felt a massive
power welling up inside me. “What is this strange power?” I asked.
“The
artifact of Ecived Tolp awakens your true potential! What you are feeling is your
hidden power being unleashed!”
“Amazing!
I feel much stronger now!”
“Yes,
but that strength is useless without training. Time for a training montage!”
“That
was a good training montage Omega!”
“Thank
you, Blind Man-sensei! Am I strong enough to defeat the Dying Man?”
“Hm…
the Dying Man is a powerful foe. But with your new strength, you just may have
a chance. Now go, Omega! Go and bring honor to our dojo!”
“I
won’t let you down, Blind Man-sensei!”
Sunday, November 6, 2016
The Artifact of Ecived Tolp! CAW CAW I'M A BIRD MOTHERFUCKERS!
After
days of toil, we finally reached our destination at the top of Mount Fear!
Waiting for us at the peak was an ancient shrine, upon which rested a key of
solid gold. The ancient artifact of Ecived Tolp!
Before
I could claim the artifact, a swarm of birds appeared in the sky. “CAW CAW
MOTHERFUCKERS!” The birds said as they flew at us with their talons ready.
“It
is the Convocation! The ancient guardians of the ancient artifact of Ecived
Tolp!”
“I’m
not going to let some birds stop me from learning Kung-Fu!” I yelled. “Quick!
Throw me at them!” Spacefuture Blogger and Overblogger each grabbed me by an
arm and tossed me into the sky. I sailed through the air and kicked a sparrow
in the head! Then gravity and momentum took over and I went flying off the edge
of the mountain.
Okay
I’m taking over again for this part. After Omega fell off the mountain, the
Convocation began to attack us. A pigeon landed on my head and tried pecking
out my eyes while woodpeckers drilled at my legs. Hummingbirds flew at
Overblogger, who drew a pen which she used to cut them down. As more birds flew
toward her she pulled out a notebook and began to write with inhuman speed. The
pages, covered in eldritch languages, flew out of the notebook like a tornado,
knocking aside any birds who came near.
While
Overblogger had her end of the fight under control, I was being overwhelmed.
Time to get serious! “Future Sword!” I
yelled as I drew out a laser sword, which I used to slice apart the birds
around me!
“How
long have you had that?” Overblogger asked.
“I…”
Suddenly I was confused. “I… don’t know?” Didn’t matter, I had birds to kill. The
Convocation was no match for Overblogger and me working together. The birds
seemed ot realize that, and fell back. Then the swarm merged together and
formed one giant bird with feathers made of fire!
“The
mighty phoenix!” Overblogger said. “we are no match for such a being’s power!”
“It
may be out of your leagues, but it is no match for the Great Omega!” I yelled
as I jumped back onto the mountaintop.
“Omega?
But how? Your legs were broken!”
“I
died when I fell off the mountain! And when I die, I come back in a new,
uninjured body!”
“Then
how come your legs weren’t fixed when the Burning Bride killed you?”
“Because
the Burning Bride didn’t kill me, obviously! She ran away without a fight,
remember?”
“…
Yes. Of course. That is exactly how it happened.”
“Now,
time for me to punch a bird in the face!” And I did! I punched the phoenix so
hard its head exploded! As the phoenix died, it was consumed by fire and
transformed into an egg.
“And
with its death, the phoenix is reborn.” Overblogger said. “Thus the cycle of
life continues.”
“Yeah
screw that I’m making this into an omelet. Now let’s grab the artifact and get
out of here.”
Friday, November 4, 2016
Rise of the Flickering Woman! This is now a Relationship Consultation Blog!
The trek up Mount Fear was truly a long and challenging one. Well, not for me. My legs were still broken. But Spacefuture Blogger and Overblogger seemed to be having a hard time as they carried me up.
Halfway up the mountain, we came across a small stretch of flat land we could rest on. Such rest was short lived, for only moments after Spacefuture Blogger and Overblogger set me down, we saw the corpse of a sphinx on the ground near us!
“Okay why is there a sphinx here that’s not even the right cosmology for this setting.” Overblogger said.
“I’m more worried about why it’s dead.” Spacefuture blogger added.
“WHO COULD HAVE SLAIN SUCH A NOBLE AND MAJESTIC BEAST?” I yelled out, distraught at such meaningless slaughter.
“Twas I that slayed the beast!” A female voice said, as a woman made of fire appeared before us. “The Burning Bride!”
“How could you kill a sphinx? They’re an endangered species!”
“The sphinx was meant to be one of the trials you would face while ascending the mountain. It was to ask you a tricky riddle, which could only be answered by a truly clever person. But I couldn’t afford for the sphinx to kill you after you inevitably failed its riddle! I must be the one to kill you, and get my revenge for what you have done to me!”
“What I’ve…? I haven’t done anything to you! At least, not yet!”
“Nothing? NOTHING? You ruined my marriage!”
“I… I wha…?”
“The Brute used to be the perfect man! Always filled with such passion, such fire! But he changed after he fought you. Now all he wants to do is volunteer at soup kitchens and help the elderly! This isn’t the man I married!”
“Very well! We shall battle! But know that your fire is no match for the BURNING HEAT OF MY FIGHTING SPIRIT!”
“Fire? You underestimate me, Omega. I am well aware that my fire would be useless against you. But I was a Fear before I became the Burning Bride. Today you face the Flickering Woman!”
Oh no! The master of secret and hidden knowledge! I hadn’t prepared myself for this encounter! But I wouldn’t let myself be beaten! “Bring it on, Flickering-“
Okay, this is Spacefuture Blogger, Omega was out of commission for most of this, I’m taking over for this part. Halfway through Omega’s statement a beam of light came out of the Flickering Woman’s hand and entered his head. He immediately began to scream in pain as an incredibly bright light came out of his eyes. It looked almost like his head was burning from the inside.
“You can brag all you want Omega, but not even your mind can handle all of my knowledge!” The Flickering Woman boasted. “Your brain will burn itself out trying to cope with it all, and at last you will be defeated!”
As she spoke, the light in Omega’s eyes went out, and he fell to the ground, dead. “At last!” She cried out in joy. “My revenge is….” Omega got back up, and immediately resumed screaming again as the lights in his eyes reappeared.
“Um… How…?”
“He doesn’t stay dead.” I said. “Trust me. He’ll come back from literally anything.”
“Well that’s a bit anticlimactic.” Omega died again, only to come back and start screaming less than a minute later. “Although trapping him in an eternal hell certainly has its merits. Oh well. Time to deal with his friends.” The Flickering Woman pointed her hand at me, and the light of knowledge entered my mind.
Nothing happened. “What? How is your mind not crumbling under the vastness of the knowledge I am bestowing on you?”
“I’m from the future.” I said. “We’ve learned how to upload all excess data in our minds to the Cloud.”
“But that doesn’t make sense! Any cloud servers from the future shouldn’t be accessible in this time period!”
“Oh, no, I don’t mean the cloud like a group of servers. I mean literal clouds. We encode data onto water molecules floating in the sky.”
“Fine! Then I’ll just deal with the other!” The Flickering Woman pointed her hand at Overblogger, but hesitated.
“Yeah don’t even try it that’s not going to work on me.” Overblogger said. “Look, Flickering, are you doing okay? It’s not like you to get this directly involved in things.”
“I’m fine!” The Flickering Woman shouted. “It’s just… it’s been hard, since the Brute left. We were so perfect together. It’s not often you’ll find someone who’ll accept a woman who’s constantly on fire. But now he’s gone, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
Overblogger nodded sympathetically. “I know that feeling. Sometimes people change, and they leave us behind. But there’s still plenty for you to do!”
“No, there isn’t!” The Flickering woman began to cry. “I’m nothing without the Brute! Just look at my name! ‘The Burning Bride!’ My entire identity is based on my relationship with the Brute! There’s nothing for me to do with him gone!”
“Don’t say that!” Overblogger gently grabbed the Flickering Woman by the shoulder. “Look at this Flickering Woman thing you’re doing now! It’s amazing! And you’re not relying on anyone else for it! It’s all you!”
“R-really? You think this is good? I don’t know, barely anyone wrote about this form before they started using the Burning Bride….”
“It’s amazing! Those writers didn’t know what they were missing when they turned you into the Brute’s distaff counterpart. You don’t need the Brute, you’ve got all the ingredients for success in yourself!”
The Flickering Woman sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes. “You… you know what? You’re right! Let the Brute go and waste his time at those soup kitchens! I don’t need him! I can be my own Fear!”
“That’s right! You go get ‘em, girl!”
“Thanks, Overblogger. It was good talking with you. You ever want to get in touch, just let me know.” The Flickering Woman looked back at Omega, who was still screaming during his brief moments of being alive. “I should probably deal with that.” She snapped her fingers, and the light disappeared from Omega’s eyes, along with his screams. Then the Flickering Woman vanished.
So apparently I missed some stuff that happened during this encounter, but I doubt it was important. Like so many Fears before her, the Burning Bride fled in terror from me! So great is the reputation of Omega that the Fears are not even willing to try and fight me, for they know defeat is the only outcome of that battle! And with yet another Fear defeated, we continued our journey to the top of Mount Fear.
Halfway up the mountain, we came across a small stretch of flat land we could rest on. Such rest was short lived, for only moments after Spacefuture Blogger and Overblogger set me down, we saw the corpse of a sphinx on the ground near us!
“Okay why is there a sphinx here that’s not even the right cosmology for this setting.” Overblogger said.
“I’m more worried about why it’s dead.” Spacefuture blogger added.
“WHO COULD HAVE SLAIN SUCH A NOBLE AND MAJESTIC BEAST?” I yelled out, distraught at such meaningless slaughter.
“Twas I that slayed the beast!” A female voice said, as a woman made of fire appeared before us. “The Burning Bride!”
“How could you kill a sphinx? They’re an endangered species!”
“The sphinx was meant to be one of the trials you would face while ascending the mountain. It was to ask you a tricky riddle, which could only be answered by a truly clever person. But I couldn’t afford for the sphinx to kill you after you inevitably failed its riddle! I must be the one to kill you, and get my revenge for what you have done to me!”
“What I’ve…? I haven’t done anything to you! At least, not yet!”
“Nothing? NOTHING? You ruined my marriage!”
“I… I wha…?”
“The Brute used to be the perfect man! Always filled with such passion, such fire! But he changed after he fought you. Now all he wants to do is volunteer at soup kitchens and help the elderly! This isn’t the man I married!”
“Very well! We shall battle! But know that your fire is no match for the BURNING HEAT OF MY FIGHTING SPIRIT!”
“Fire? You underestimate me, Omega. I am well aware that my fire would be useless against you. But I was a Fear before I became the Burning Bride. Today you face the Flickering Woman!”
Oh no! The master of secret and hidden knowledge! I hadn’t prepared myself for this encounter! But I wouldn’t let myself be beaten! “Bring it on, Flickering-“
Okay, this is Spacefuture Blogger, Omega was out of commission for most of this, I’m taking over for this part. Halfway through Omega’s statement a beam of light came out of the Flickering Woman’s hand and entered his head. He immediately began to scream in pain as an incredibly bright light came out of his eyes. It looked almost like his head was burning from the inside.
“You can brag all you want Omega, but not even your mind can handle all of my knowledge!” The Flickering Woman boasted. “Your brain will burn itself out trying to cope with it all, and at last you will be defeated!”
As she spoke, the light in Omega’s eyes went out, and he fell to the ground, dead. “At last!” She cried out in joy. “My revenge is….” Omega got back up, and immediately resumed screaming again as the lights in his eyes reappeared.
“Um… How…?”
“He doesn’t stay dead.” I said. “Trust me. He’ll come back from literally anything.”
“Well that’s a bit anticlimactic.” Omega died again, only to come back and start screaming less than a minute later. “Although trapping him in an eternal hell certainly has its merits. Oh well. Time to deal with his friends.” The Flickering Woman pointed her hand at me, and the light of knowledge entered my mind.
Nothing happened. “What? How is your mind not crumbling under the vastness of the knowledge I am bestowing on you?”
“I’m from the future.” I said. “We’ve learned how to upload all excess data in our minds to the Cloud.”
“But that doesn’t make sense! Any cloud servers from the future shouldn’t be accessible in this time period!”
“Oh, no, I don’t mean the cloud like a group of servers. I mean literal clouds. We encode data onto water molecules floating in the sky.”
“Fine! Then I’ll just deal with the other!” The Flickering Woman pointed her hand at Overblogger, but hesitated.
“Yeah don’t even try it that’s not going to work on me.” Overblogger said. “Look, Flickering, are you doing okay? It’s not like you to get this directly involved in things.”
“I’m fine!” The Flickering Woman shouted. “It’s just… it’s been hard, since the Brute left. We were so perfect together. It’s not often you’ll find someone who’ll accept a woman who’s constantly on fire. But now he’s gone, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
Overblogger nodded sympathetically. “I know that feeling. Sometimes people change, and they leave us behind. But there’s still plenty for you to do!”
“No, there isn’t!” The Flickering woman began to cry. “I’m nothing without the Brute! Just look at my name! ‘The Burning Bride!’ My entire identity is based on my relationship with the Brute! There’s nothing for me to do with him gone!”
“Don’t say that!” Overblogger gently grabbed the Flickering Woman by the shoulder. “Look at this Flickering Woman thing you’re doing now! It’s amazing! And you’re not relying on anyone else for it! It’s all you!”
“R-really? You think this is good? I don’t know, barely anyone wrote about this form before they started using the Burning Bride….”
“It’s amazing! Those writers didn’t know what they were missing when they turned you into the Brute’s distaff counterpart. You don’t need the Brute, you’ve got all the ingredients for success in yourself!”
The Flickering Woman sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes. “You… you know what? You’re right! Let the Brute go and waste his time at those soup kitchens! I don’t need him! I can be my own Fear!”
“That’s right! You go get ‘em, girl!”
“Thanks, Overblogger. It was good talking with you. You ever want to get in touch, just let me know.” The Flickering Woman looked back at Omega, who was still screaming during his brief moments of being alive. “I should probably deal with that.” She snapped her fingers, and the light disappeared from Omega’s eyes, along with his screams. Then the Flickering Woman vanished.
So apparently I missed some stuff that happened during this encounter, but I doubt it was important. Like so many Fears before her, the Burning Bride fled in terror from me! So great is the reputation of Omega that the Fears are not even willing to try and fight me, for they know defeat is the only outcome of that battle! And with yet another Fear defeated, we continued our journey to the top of Mount Fear.
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