I had hoped to continue my alphabetical rampage and make my next target either the Brute or the Burning Bride, but this plan was not to be. As I took a stroll by a perfectly peaceful and not suspicious lake, I was attacked by the Cold Boy! Gigantic icicles, each the size of a skyscraper, rained down on me like big frozen knives from the sky! I drew my sword and sliced each one apart before it could hit me. Having failed to ambush me, the Cold Boy rose from out of the lake.
“Your journey ends here, Omega!” His attempts at sounding intimidating were ruined by his squeaky youthful voice. “This lake will be your final resting place!”
“There can be no rest for me so long as EVIL exists in the world for me to thwart!” I said.
The Cold Boy sent an icy wind at me, trying to freeze me where I stood. But his cold was no match for the heat of my BURNING SPIRIT! I charged through the gale, and sliced his head off.
“Impossible!” The head said as it rolled on the ground. “How are you doing this? We’re in the middle of nowhere, with no one else around! I should be all powerful!”
“Fool! I’m not alone! My friends are right here, in my heart! I can hear them calling out their encouragement to me!”
The Cold Boy grew a new icy body and stood back up. “Then I will take this battle to a place where no one’s words can reach you.” He pointed to the sky. “SPACE!”
A spaceship made of ice formed around us and took off. I looked out a frosted window and saw stars around us.
“You’ve made a grave miscalculation, Cold Boy! He problem spaceships encounter is not dealing with the coldness of space, but removing heat! In a vacuum, there are no molecules for heat energy to dissipate to! You and your ship will melt!”
“You think I didn’t predict that? I have set this spaceship on a course to THE MOON! The trace atmosphere there will be enough for me to overcome the heat and freeze you!”
He was right. I had to act fast, or I was doomed. I raised my sword and threw it. The Cold Boy easily stepped aside, and the blade went by him. “You missed!”
“I wasn’t aiming for you!” The sword was jammed in the navigation controls, causing the ship to turn away from the moon.
“What have you done?!” The Cold Boy cried out. “You’ve doomed us both! Once the ship melts, you’ll have no way to make it back to Earth!”
“That’s what you think!” I punched a hole in the wall, and air began to rush out. “An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted on by an outside force! All I need to do now is jump out in the right direction, and eventually I will make it back home!”
“I won’t let you!” Ice formed at my feet, trapping me.
“Now, let us die together in the lonely abyss of space! … is what you’re about to say, right?”
“Now, let us die together in the… what?!”
“I win this fight, Cold Boy! You should really pay more attention to where your ship is going!”
The Cold Boy looked out the window behind him. We were no longer heading towards the moon; now, our spaceship was rapidly approaching the sun.
“Not even your winter’s chill can stand up against the power of the UNCONQUERED SUN!” I shouted as the ice holding me melted.
“This is bullshit!” The Cold Boy yelled.
“You’re bullshit!” I jumped out the hole I’d made as the ship crashed into the sun.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
The First Opponent! A Fight Against a God?!
The first target of my GLORIOUS CRUSADE was the Archangel, as he is first alphabetically! Except for Amalgm! And Aqualung! And the Algernon Forest…. And… the Answer….. And…. Okay shut up we’re doing Archangel first!
I found my prey in an old abandoned warehouse. My genius plan was to dramatically enter by kicking the door open, but SOMEONE forgot to mark that it was a pull door, so I may or may not have broken a leg trying to open it.
The Archangel was waiting for me inside. “I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, OMEGA!” His booming voice shook the building and caused the windows the shatter. “NOW PREPARE TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF MY ARMY OF CULTISTS!”
Hundreds of men and women armed with every weapon imaginable came rushing out. In seconds, I had been completely surrounded.
“… Why are they gangsters?”
“WHAT?”
“Why are the cultists gangsters? I don’t understand the thematic connection. Are they particularly religious gangsters? Do they have some kind of heaven/hell imagery going on?”
“THEY ARE THEMATICALLY APPROPRIATE BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD.”
That was when I was cut down by a hail of bullets. Of course, I have never let petty things like dying get in my way. It was only a few seconds later before I came running back into the building.
“Ha ha! Next time try bringing it your A-game!”
Then they shot me again.
This cycle continued for quite some time. A few cultusts had to take a break from shooting so they could clear way all the bodies I was leaving behind. Eventually, as expected, they ran out of bullets.
“Ha ha! What will you and your silly army do now that you cannot shoot me?” The Archangel responded to this question by hitting me in the head with a tire iron. “Ow! Hey what the hell what kind of Fear kills people with a tire iron?”
“SILENCE, FOOL! NOW DIE!” And with my head caved in, I died again.
Exactly as planned.
Once more I entered the building, with considerable swagger in my step. “You’ve fallen into my trap, Archangel! Now my victory is assured!”
“HA! A PATHETIC BLUFF!”
“Before calling it a bluff, why not see how you’re feeling right now?”
“I FEEL AS POWERFUL AS EVER BEFO-” He froze, and then began to shake uncontrollably. “W-WHAT IS HAPPENING?”
“Every person who dies becomes a part of you, right? And I’ve done a whole lot of dying in my time!”
“IMPOSSIBLE! TO AFFECT ME YOU WOULD NEED TO HAVE DIED BILLIONS OF TIMES!”
“Damn right, son! And now, one more to tip the scale!” I moonwalked backwards into the streets, where a truck hit me.
The Archangel fell to his knees and cried out. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Then I burst out of his chest as his body exploded behind me. The cultists fled as burning pieces of the Archangel rained down around them.
One down.
I found my prey in an old abandoned warehouse. My genius plan was to dramatically enter by kicking the door open, but SOMEONE forgot to mark that it was a pull door, so I may or may not have broken a leg trying to open it.
The Archangel was waiting for me inside. “I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, OMEGA!” His booming voice shook the building and caused the windows the shatter. “NOW PREPARE TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF MY ARMY OF CULTISTS!”
Hundreds of men and women armed with every weapon imaginable came rushing out. In seconds, I had been completely surrounded.
“… Why are they gangsters?”
“WHAT?”
“Why are the cultists gangsters? I don’t understand the thematic connection. Are they particularly religious gangsters? Do they have some kind of heaven/hell imagery going on?”
“THEY ARE THEMATICALLY APPROPRIATE BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD.”
That was when I was cut down by a hail of bullets. Of course, I have never let petty things like dying get in my way. It was only a few seconds later before I came running back into the building.
“Ha ha! Next time try bringing it your A-game!”
Then they shot me again.
This cycle continued for quite some time. A few cultusts had to take a break from shooting so they could clear way all the bodies I was leaving behind. Eventually, as expected, they ran out of bullets.
“Ha ha! What will you and your silly army do now that you cannot shoot me?” The Archangel responded to this question by hitting me in the head with a tire iron. “Ow! Hey what the hell what kind of Fear kills people with a tire iron?”
“SILENCE, FOOL! NOW DIE!” And with my head caved in, I died again.
Exactly as planned.
Once more I entered the building, with considerable swagger in my step. “You’ve fallen into my trap, Archangel! Now my victory is assured!”
“HA! A PATHETIC BLUFF!”
“Before calling it a bluff, why not see how you’re feeling right now?”
“I FEEL AS POWERFUL AS EVER BEFO-” He froze, and then began to shake uncontrollably. “W-WHAT IS HAPPENING?”
“Every person who dies becomes a part of you, right? And I’ve done a whole lot of dying in my time!”
“IMPOSSIBLE! TO AFFECT ME YOU WOULD NEED TO HAVE DIED BILLIONS OF TIMES!”
“Damn right, son! And now, one more to tip the scale!” I moonwalked backwards into the streets, where a truck hit me.
The Archangel fell to his knees and cried out. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Then I burst out of his chest as his body exploded behind me. The cultists fled as burning pieces of the Archangel rained down around them.
One down.
The Hero Rises! An End to Fear?!
Romans! Countrymen! Lend me your ears! And any other appendages which you are not currently using!
Too long have we lived under the tyranny of fear! An oppressive, all pervasive fear which may or may not be a metaphor for various aspects of the human condition! But that ends today!
I am Omega! And in the name of Truth, Justice, Freedom, and Hope, I shall destroy the Fears!
I mean it shouldn’t take too long to do that. There’s only, like, 15 of them? 20 at most. Yeah this will be over fast.
…. What do you mean “over 100”? The fuck’s a “portrayal”? Back in my day, when we wanted to write a Fear blog, we didn’t go and write about dozens of new Fears all willy nilly! Nosir! We sat down, and we wrote a story about the Slender Man or the Wooden Girl, just like nature intended! In a blizzard! Uphill both ways!
Too long have we lived under the tyranny of fear! An oppressive, all pervasive fear which may or may not be a metaphor for various aspects of the human condition! But that ends today!
I am Omega! And in the name of Truth, Justice, Freedom, and Hope, I shall destroy the Fears!
I mean it shouldn’t take too long to do that. There’s only, like, 15 of them? 20 at most. Yeah this will be over fast.
…. What do you mean “over 100”? The fuck’s a “portrayal”? Back in my day, when we wanted to write a Fear blog, we didn’t go and write about dozens of new Fears all willy nilly! Nosir! We sat down, and we wrote a story about the Slender Man or the Wooden Girl, just like nature intended! In a blizzard! Uphill both ways!
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