Into the Singularity Cell! Who Can Stop the Brute's Rage?

After getting ambushed by Fears several times so far, I felt like it was about time I got back to being on the attack. So I decided to go after a Fear I knew was going to be staying in one place: The Brute!

Spacefutuer Blogger and I found the Brute’s prison deep within the core of the Earth. The adventures we went through to reach such an impossible depth were too exciting and perilous to recount here. All I can say is that dinosaurs were involved.

We found the Brute bound by heavy chains. He strained against them as we entered, but his fetters were too strong to break.

“Alright, there he is.” I said. “Spacefuture Blogger, get those chains off him.”

“What? Why would I do that?”

“So I can fight him, of course.”

“That doesn’t sound like a good idea. Don’t a lot of blogs have him getting free being the cause of the apocalypse?”

“Well we can’t fight him while he’s trapped. That wouldn’t be sporting. Besides, I have a plan.”

“Is your plan to punch him really hard?”

“… Maybe.”

Spacefuture Blogger may have disliked the plan, but he still followed it. As soon as the chains were off him, the Brute soared up through the hole we had dug. We followed him back up, and found the streets in chaos. Enraged drivers ran down pedestrians. Dogs and cats brawled in bloody battles. Babies punched other babies. Above it all, the Brute hung in the sky, red eyes glowing in delight. I had to stop it at all costs! I jumped into the sky, and swung my fist at the Brute!

Of course as I did so I realized the problems with trying to punch something made of smoke. My fists went through it without harming it at all. It seemed like I needed a better plan.

“Spacefuture Blogger! Distract him!” I yelled. While Spacefuture Blogger danced and made loud noises, I ran to a chain factory. The workers, driven mad by the Brute’s power, were too busy fighting each other to pay attention to me. I grabbed as many chains as I could carry and ran back out.

The Brute was too fascinated by Spacefuture Blogger’s strange Future Dance to see me coming. I threw the chains over the Brute, pinning it to the ground and trapping him!

“Victory! We have defeated the Brute!” I shouted.

“We are literally right back where we started.” Spacefuture Blogger, ever the party pooper, said.

The Brute wasn’t taking his imprisonment passively. He roared and struggled, but the chains held fast. As the Brute screamed, fire came out of his mouth, coming right for me! Before it could hit, I threw Spacefuture Blogger in the way to block it. Once he had put out the fires in his clothes, Spacefuture Blogger shouted, “Why did you do that?!”

“Because, since the fire was not made of spiders, I knew it wouldn’t kill you! But I might have died!”

“So? You would have just come back! That’s what you do!”

“Yeah, but it looked like it would really hurt.”

“It did!” Spacefuture Blogger clenched his fists in rage. Behind him, one of the Brute’s chains snapped. “I am sick of being a meat shield! Everywhere I’ve gone with you, horrible things have happened! All my friends are dead! You shot me in the face! And then I was lit on fire! All of it was your fault!” Another chain broke.

“Stop it, Spacefuture Blogger! You’re making the Brute stronger!”

“Good!” He screamed. “I hope he smashes your face in!”

The chains exploded, and the Brute rose back into the sky. This time, he ignored everyone else and focused on me. I ran as fast as I could while the Brute chased after me, smashing everything in his way. Okay, so Plan B had also failed! Time to make up a Plan C!

I ran back to the chain factory, and grabbed more chains. But now I knew they wouldn’t work on their own. Next I ran to a furniture factory. I used the few seconds I had to move the furniture into the position I needed. When the Brute lunged at me, I dodged at the last moment, causing him to land on a couch. I threw the chains over him to keep him there and then I pulled up a chair for myself, grew a beard, put on glasses, and said in a heavy German accent, “Now tell me about your mother.”

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” The Brute roared.

“Mmhmm. And how did that make you feel?”

“AAAGRAAAGRRRRRAAA!!!!”

“Tell me more about that.”

“AAAAAAA! AAARAAAA! RAAAAAR… RARAAAHA. AHRAAARA!”

“That’s right, just let it all out.”

“RAHRARARA! RA… AGRRAAAA….” The Brute began to cry.

I patted him on the shoulder and said, “There, there. It’s all right. Do you want to scream into this pillow?”

“RA!” When he screamed, the pillow exploded.

“Better?”

“RA.” The chains holding the Brute slid off, and he calmly got off the couch.

“Here.” I gave him my business card. “If you ever need me, give me a call. Just remember that there are people out there who care about you and want to support you.”

And with that, the Brute left to become a productive member of society.

Spacefuture Blogger's New Power! Can Omega Fight Destiny?

After making our return to the present, it was necessary for Spacefuture Blogger and I to restock on weaponry. And it was a good thing that we did, as the moment we stepped out of the armory, the Vision appeared.

“Omega!” She said. “You may have escaped the future, but you cannot escape your future! Now prepare to face the despair that fate has ordained for you!”

“Eh.” I shrugged. “I’m not really feeling it. Spacefuture Blogger, you want to take this one?”

“Why? You haven’t backed out of any fights before.”

“I dunno. Dealing with the Vision always makes me feel like I’m dealing with someone’s magical dream girl.”

“… Oh do not give me that. You have no right to judge. I’ve read your Wooden Girl stories.”

“What? That’s, that’s completely different!”

“How? How is it in any way different?”

“It is different. Because. Of many reasons. Reasons which are all very good. And which Oh hey look she’s attacking you should do something about that.”

Before the Vision could look at me with her dreadful gaze, I threw Spacefuture Blogger between us. He locked eyes with her, and she began to foretell his fate.

“I see… you will be eaten by spiders!”

“No!”

“Yes! Giant evil spiders! They will tear you apart!”

“I hate spiders!”

“You do! And you will cry for help, but none will come!”

“That’s terrible!”

“It is! You will suffer long as you slowly die!”

Then I shot Spacefuture Blogger in the head.

“What… what the fuck?” The Vision screamed. “Jesus Christ why the fuck did you do that?”

“You predicted he would die by spiders! Instead, he has died by bullets! I have broken the chains of fate! Take that, predestination!”

“I think I’m still alive….” Spacefuture Blogger moaned.

“Oh. Sorry, I’ll do it right this time.” Another gunshot. “Are you dead now?”

“No….” He said between sobs of pain.

“Damn. Let me get a grenade.”

“No! Don’t get the grenade! Leave the poor man alone!”

“Too late!” I threw the grenade, and it exploded. “Now I have cut the strings of fate!”

“I’m still okay!” Spacefuture Blogger said from beneath the pile of rubble. “I think the explosion helped. I can’t feel my gunshot wounds over this concussion.”

“If not even the grenade worked…. Spacefuture Blogger, do you know what this means?”

“Wait, I was wrong, I can still feel them. And the shrapnel. Oh go the shrapnel.”

“You’re effectively immortal now that we know how you’ll die! So long as we avoid giant evil spiders, nothing that happens to you will ever actually kill you!”

“Every moment I continue to live is a moment of pure agony.”

“Wait. I don’t want to go risking your life needlessly. I need to test this hypothesis. Let me get another grenade.”

“Okay this is just getting obscene, I’m putting a stop to it.” The Vision grabbed my face and forced me to look at her eyes. “Now behold the terrors that await you in… oh. Huh.”

“What? What horror has destiny written for me?”

“Actually, nothing. You’re future’s fine. Stuff kinda works out for you in the end. Um. I’m not sure what to do next. Most people I try this on have something really bad that’s going to happen to them.”

“So does this mean we fight now?”

“No. No, I’m done.” She walked away, shaking her head in frustration. “This whole thing has been a terrible experience and I want to put it as far behind me as I can. I’m going over to the Slender Man Mythos. They’d never let a blog like this fly.”

And that was how Spacefuture Blogger became immortal and I defeated the Vision.

Hero of the Future! Let's Rocket Punch a Giant Baby!

Unfortunately, I miscalculated when I made my jump out of the Cold Boy’s spaceship. Instead of quickly making it back to Earth, I didn’t return until TEN THOUSAND YEARS had passed! I was awoken from my space induced slumber by a group of people wearing chrome clothing. Around us was a towering sci-fi cityscape, with a pitch black sky above. One of the people stepped forward and spoke to me.

“Omega! I am Spacefuture Blogger, leader of the Spacefuture Runners! We need your help!”

“I never turn down those in need!” I said. “Tell me, what has become of the world?”

“The Manufactured Newborn has taken over, and now rules the future with an iron fist!”

Of course, that was no surprise. What other Fear could take control of the future like this? “But what happened to the sun? Did the Newborn do something to it?”

“No, that was because of something else. Ten thousand years ago, some fool launched the Cold Boy into the sun, causing it to freeze!”

“Ah.” I tried not to look any of the Spacefuture Runners in the eye. “Sorry about that. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“You were the one who did it? Why would that ever have seemed like a good idea?”

“I needed to kill him!”

“You could have just thrown some napalm on him or something!”

“What? No reader would accept him dying like that!”

“Why not? No one cares about the Cold Boy anymore! There hasn’t been a blog centered on him since 2013! I’ll bet you could have just shot him with a flamethrower and not a single person would have complained.”

Spacefuture Blogger had a point. But before I could correct that mistake, I needed to find a way back to the present. I asked Spacefuture Blogger about how that could be done. “The Manufactured Newborn has a time machine, but it is located deep within its Tower. We will need to destroy it before we can reach the machine. And the Tower is heavily defended.”

“No defense can stand up against the might of humanity’s courage! Let us go into battle!”

With the Spacefuture Runners backing me up, I charged into the futuristic city. A huge metal tower, taller than a mountain stood before us. At its base was a crowd of people, blocking the entrance to the Tower.

“Curses!” Spacefuture Blogger said. “The Newborn’s servants. They’re like zombies, always plugged into their cell phones, never having any real interaction with other human beings.”

“Hey! Such attitudes are a sign of close-minded ignorance.” I said, getting out a soap box to stand on. “While from the outside it may look like the younger generation’s obsession with technology is antisocial, in reality it has allowed for greater connections with one another. I, for one, believe that….”

“No. They are literally plugged into their cell phones. The Newborn uses them as batteries. Look.”

I looked harder at the crowd, and realized that wires were coming out of each individual’s phone and into their eyes. “Oh. So they really are like zombies.”

“Yup.”

“Well, they’re still in the way. Let’s kill them.”

We charged forth, letting loose a terrifying battle cry. The zombies noticed us and began to moan, “Like. Comment. Share. Subscribe. Like. Comment. Share. Subscribe.” As they shambled toward us.

Having lost my sword in the fight with the Cold Boy, I could not cleave a bloody path through the nefarious horde. Still, I did the best I could, slaying hundreds of the fiends. But even my greatest efforts were not enough against the numbers we fought. In the face of such a mindless onslaught, the Spacefuture Runners began to be overrun. And to make the situation worse, the Newborn’s Tower began to move. Giant gears and sheets of metal moved, until the Tower had transformed into a Giant Robot Baby!

“The Manufactured Newborn itself has joined the battle!” Spacefuture Blogger cried out. “All hope is lost!”

“Hope is never lost!” I yelled. “As long as we continue to fight for our freedom!”

The Spacefuture Runners rallied behind this call to action, and were then immediately crushed underneath the Newborn’s robot foot. Spacefuture Blogger and I were the only survivors. It took all of our skill to avoid the Newborn’s attacks as its giant baby hands punched the ground around us. Its blows were so strong that it caused the very ground to crack apart, causing Spacefuture Blogger and I to plummet into the rift.

I know not for how long we fell, but when we landed we were in a metal cavern filled with the wreckage of machines. “What is this place?” I asked.

“This must be the Newborn’s horde.” Spacefuture Blogger said. “The place where it has gathered together technology from every age into a massive collection. We shouldn’t stay here long, lest….”

“Hey look I found a giant robot!”

“You found a WHAT?”

Lying amongst the wreckage was a robot, nearly two stories tall, covered in weapons. The words “OPERATION RAGNAROK” were written in bold black letters across the chest.

“What is ‘Operation Ragnarok’?” Spacefuture Blogger asked.

“It was a multiblog Pacific Rim/Fear Mythos crossover. Cool stuff, shame it didn’t last long.”

“That idea sounds stupid.”

“You sound stupid! Now shut up and get into the robot!”

Neither of us could find a power button inside the cockpit. Instead, there was a large red button labelled only as “ROCK OUT.” I punched the button, and the sound of an electric guitar roared through the cavern as the robot began to move. The robot punched out of the cavern, bursting into the city. The Manufactured Newborn was waiting for us, but this time we were on equal footing. Before the Newborn could strike, we shot it with our robot’s Laser Eyes! As it stumbled, we hit it with a Rocket Fist! And then, our finishing move! We jumped into the air and kicked the Manufactured Newborn with our Drill Foot, causing it to explode!

“There’s the time machine!” Spacefuture Blogger pointed at a phone booth that had fallen out of the destroyed Newborn.

“Perfect! Now we can return to the present!”

“We?”

“Yes! I might need a meat shield when fighting the Fears!”

“I don’t think I like the sound of that….”

“Shut up and get in the time machine!”