After getting ambushed by Fears several times so far, I felt like it was about time I got back to being on the attack. So I decided to go after a Fear I knew was going to be staying in one place: The Brute!
Spacefutuer Blogger and I found the Brute’s prison deep within the core of the Earth. The adventures we went through to reach such an impossible depth were too exciting and perilous to recount here. All I can say is that dinosaurs were involved.
We found the Brute bound by heavy chains. He strained against them as we entered, but his fetters were too strong to break.
“Alright, there he is.” I said. “Spacefuture Blogger, get those chains off him.”
“What? Why would I do that?”
“So I can fight him, of course.”
“That doesn’t sound like a good idea. Don’t a lot of blogs have him getting free being the cause of the apocalypse?”
“Well we can’t fight him while he’s trapped. That wouldn’t be sporting. Besides, I have a plan.”
“Is your plan to punch him really hard?”
“… Maybe.”
Spacefuture Blogger may have disliked the plan, but he still followed it. As soon as the chains were off him, the Brute soared up through the hole we had dug. We followed him back up, and found the streets in chaos. Enraged drivers ran down pedestrians. Dogs and cats brawled in bloody battles. Babies punched other babies. Above it all, the Brute hung in the sky, red eyes glowing in delight. I had to stop it at all costs! I jumped into the sky, and swung my fist at the Brute!
Of course as I did so I realized the problems with trying to punch something made of smoke. My fists went through it without harming it at all. It seemed like I needed a better plan.
“Spacefuture Blogger! Distract him!” I yelled. While Spacefuture Blogger danced and made loud noises, I ran to a chain factory. The workers, driven mad by the Brute’s power, were too busy fighting each other to pay attention to me. I grabbed as many chains as I could carry and ran back out.
The Brute was too fascinated by Spacefuture Blogger’s strange Future Dance to see me coming. I threw the chains over the Brute, pinning it to the ground and trapping him!
“Victory! We have defeated the Brute!” I shouted.
“We are literally right back where we started.” Spacefuture Blogger, ever the party pooper, said.
The Brute wasn’t taking his imprisonment passively. He roared and struggled, but the chains held fast. As the Brute screamed, fire came out of his mouth, coming right for me! Before it could hit, I threw Spacefuture Blogger in the way to block it. Once he had put out the fires in his clothes, Spacefuture Blogger shouted, “Why did you do that?!”
“Because, since the fire was not made of spiders, I knew it wouldn’t kill you! But I might have died!”
“So? You would have just come back! That’s what you do!”
“Yeah, but it looked like it would really hurt.”
“It did!” Spacefuture Blogger clenched his fists in rage. Behind him, one of the Brute’s chains snapped. “I am sick of being a meat shield! Everywhere I’ve gone with you, horrible things have happened! All my friends are dead! You shot me in the face! And then I was lit on fire! All of it was your fault!” Another chain broke.
“Stop it, Spacefuture Blogger! You’re making the Brute stronger!”
“Good!” He screamed. “I hope he smashes your face in!”
The chains exploded, and the Brute rose back into the sky. This time, he ignored everyone else and focused on me. I ran as fast as I could while the Brute chased after me, smashing everything in his way. Okay, so Plan B had also failed! Time to make up a Plan C!
I ran back to the chain factory, and grabbed more chains. But now I knew they wouldn’t work on their own. Next I ran to a furniture factory. I used the few seconds I had to move the furniture into the position I needed. When the Brute lunged at me, I dodged at the last moment, causing him to land on a couch. I threw the chains over him to keep him there and then I pulled up a chair for myself, grew a beard, put on glasses, and said in a heavy German accent, “Now tell me about your mother.”
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” The Brute roared.
“Mmhmm. And how did that make you feel?”
“AAAGRAAAGRRRRRAAA!!!!”
“Tell me more about that.”
“AAAAAAA! AAARAAAA! RAAAAAR… RARAAAHA. AHRAAARA!”
“That’s right, just let it all out.”
“RAHRARARA! RA… AGRRAAAA….” The Brute began to cry.
I patted him on the shoulder and said, “There, there. It’s all right. Do you want to scream into this pillow?”
“RA!” When he screamed, the pillow exploded.
“Better?”
“RA.” The chains holding the Brute slid off, and he calmly got off the couch.
“Here.” I gave him my business card. “If you ever need me, give me a call. Just remember that there are people out there who care about you and want to support you.”
And with that, the Brute left to become a productive member of society.
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