As we left the desert, Spacefuture Blogger and I encountered a man waiting for us. He had eyes all over his face, and an eye in each palm. There was only one Fear this could be.
“I am Judgement, avatar of the Eye!” He yelled. “Now cower as I reveal your most terrible sins!”
“Eh, sorry Judgement. We already did this with the Black Dog.”
“What?!”
“Yeah. We’re literally just leaving that fight. He already revealed all our guilty secrets.”
“Well, did he reveal your guilt over not writing the Intrusion better?”
“Yup.”
“What about Spacefuture Blogger’s guilt over never going to space?”
“Did that one too.”
“Oh. Well… darn.” Judgement’s shoulders slumped and I heard him sniffling.
“Are you… crying?”
“No!” He used his sleeve to wipe his many eyes. “Maybe. I just put so much work into this, you know? I’ve got a consistent theme with lots of story potential, and an aesthetic that actually supports that theme. That’s a lot more than some Fears I could mention! And yet, every time, I get upstaged by that damn dog. What’s his deal even supposed to be? What’s the connection between a really big dog and people’s secrets? Is he ‘digging up secrets’ or something? It’s ridiculous! But he’s the one everyone knows about, and who gets all the blogs. These days I only seem to show up if I’m being combined with that stupid dog! It just makes it really hard to want to try when you know anything you do is going to get overshadowed.”
“Ah, come on Judgement, don’t be like that! Lots of people think you’re great!”
“R-really?”
“Yeah! Remember all the positive feedback ‘The All Seeing I’ got? People love the metaphorical you!”
“Then why do they always make me tag along with the Black Dog?”
“You misunderstand us, Judgement! We don’t combine you with the Black Dog because we don’t like you! We combine you two to make the Black Dog more interesting!”
“Do you mean that?”
“Of course I do!”
Judgement stopped crying, and finally smiled. “Thanks Omega. That means a lot to me.”
“Ah, come here buddy! Give your ol’ pal Omega a hug!”
Judgement and I embraced in brotherly friendship. Then I felt the knife stab me in the gut.
“But… Judgement, why…?”
“Ha! You fool! You thought I would fall for that? You already did the whole therapy thing on the Brute! It won’t work twice!” Judgement cackled madly. “We’re doing this old school! No metaphors, no symbolism, I just possess someone and then they hunt you down and stab you to death!”
It was a very frightening speech. Unfortunately, it was a bit ruined by me laughing through it all.
“What’s so funny?”
“Oh, you poor, unsuspecting Fear. I knew that you might have something like this planned, and so I prepared!” I tore off my shirt, revealing that I was wearing steel armor plate underneath it!
This revelation did not seem to effect Judgement as much as I’d hoped. “Is that all? I am the Eye! I see all! I knew that you knew about my plan! Take a look at that knife I stabbed you with!”
I looked down at the knife, and saw that the knife was actually grenades! Before I could do anything, I exploded!
“AHAHAHAHA! At last, Omega is defeated, and I, the Eye, am VICTORIOUS!” Judgement turned towards Spacefuture Blogger. “Does it fill you with guilt, having done nothing as you watched your friend die right in front of you?”
“Not really. He was kind of a jerk.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter, because he’s finally dead!”
“I wouldn’t be too sure about that!” I shouted as I appeared behind Judgement.
“What? Impossible! How did you survive?”
“I knew that you knew that I knew about your plan! Bet you didn’t see THIS coming, Judgement!”
Judgement screamed and stabbed at me. My image shattered into shards of glass as the knife hit it, and I appeared again behind Judgement. “How are you doing this?” He yelled.
“Can’t you see the trick? I arranged dozens of mirror at carefully precise angles all around this area! There’s no way for you to tell which me is real, and which is just a mirror image!”
In response to this, Judgement began wildly attacking every image he saw of me, shattering mirror after mirror, but not once did he hit me. As he struggled, I called out, “Hey, Judgement! You can see a lot! But can you see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?”
“WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!?!?”
The real me jumped out from behind the mirrors, right in front of Judgement. “IT’S BECAUSE THEY HAVE CINNAMON SUGAR SWIRLS IN EVERY BITE!” And I threw a bag of cinnamon sugar into his face.
“Ah! My eyes! It’s in my eyes! IT’S IN ALL OF MY EYES!” He screamed as he fell back, clutching his face. The sugar burned at his eyes, until they were empty sockets. He fell to the ground, and lay there motionless. The Eye had been defeated.
“I guess you could say… he didn’t see that one coming!”
We all had a good laugh.
No comments:
Post a Comment