Time to Train! Gonna Fly Now!

We returned victorious to the Blind Man’s library, the ancient artifact of Ecived Tolp in hand.

“Blind Man! I have brought you the artifact you wanted! Now teach me Kung-Fu!”

“You are indeed worthy of my training, Omega.” He said. “Hand me the artifact of Ecived Tolp and we may begin.”

I gave him the artifact. As he held it, it began to glow, and I felt a massive power welling up inside me. “What is this strange power?” I asked.

“The artifact of Ecived Tolp awakens your true potential! What you are feeling is your hidden power being unleashed!”

“Amazing! I feel much stronger now!”

“Yes, but that strength is useless without training. Time for a training montage!”

“That was a good training montage Omega!”

“Thank you, Blind Man-sensei! Am I strong enough to defeat the Dying Man?”

“Hm… the Dying Man is a powerful foe. But with your new strength, you just may have a chance. Now go, Omega! Go and bring honor to our dojo!”

“I won’t let you down, Blind Man-sensei!”

The Artifact of Ecived Tolp! CAW CAW I'M A BIRD MOTHERFUCKERS!

After days of toil, we finally reached our destination at the top of Mount Fear! Waiting for us at the peak was an ancient shrine, upon which rested a key of solid gold. The ancient artifact of Ecived Tolp!

Before I could claim the artifact, a swarm of birds appeared in the sky. “CAW CAW MOTHERFUCKERS!” The birds said as they flew at us with their talons ready.

“It is the Convocation! The ancient guardians of the ancient artifact of Ecived Tolp!”

“I’m not going to let some birds stop me from learning Kung-Fu!” I yelled. “Quick! Throw me at them!” Spacefuture Blogger and Overblogger each grabbed me by an arm and tossed me into the sky. I sailed through the air and kicked a sparrow in the head! Then gravity and momentum took over and I went flying off the edge of the mountain.

Okay I’m taking over again for this part. After Omega fell off the mountain, the Convocation began to attack us. A pigeon landed on my head and tried pecking out my eyes while woodpeckers drilled at my legs. Hummingbirds flew at Overblogger, who drew a pen which she used to cut them down. As more birds flew toward her she pulled out a notebook and began to write with inhuman speed. The pages, covered in eldritch languages, flew out of the notebook like a tornado, knocking aside any birds who came near.

While Overblogger had her end of the fight under control, I was being overwhelmed. Time to get serious! “Future  Sword!” I yelled as I drew out a laser sword, which I used to slice apart the birds around me!

“How long have you had that?” Overblogger asked.

“I…” Suddenly I was confused. “I… don’t know?” Didn’t matter, I had birds to kill. The Convocation was no match for Overblogger and me working together. The birds seemed ot realize that, and fell back. Then the swarm merged together and formed one giant bird with feathers made of fire!

“The mighty phoenix!” Overblogger said. “we are no match for such a being’s power!”

“It may be out of your leagues, but it is no match for the Great Omega!” I yelled as I jumped back onto the mountaintop.

“Omega? But how? Your legs were broken!”

“I died when I fell off the mountain! And when I die, I come back in a new, uninjured body!”

“Then how come your legs weren’t fixed when the Burning Bride killed you?”

“Because the Burning Bride didn’t kill me, obviously! She ran away without a fight, remember?”

“… Yes. Of course. That is exactly how it happened.”

“Now, time for me to punch a bird in the face!” And I did! I punched the phoenix so hard its head exploded! As the phoenix died, it was consumed by fire and transformed into an egg.

“And with its death, the phoenix is reborn.” Overblogger said. “Thus the cycle of life continues.”

“Yeah screw that I’m making this into an omelet. Now let’s grab the artifact and get out of here.”

Rise of the Flickering Woman! This is now a Relationship Consultation Blog!

The trek up Mount Fear was truly a long and challenging one. Well, not for me. My legs were still broken. But Spacefuture Blogger and Overblogger seemed to be having a hard time as they carried me up.

Halfway up the mountain, we came across a small stretch of flat land we could rest on. Such rest was short lived, for only moments after Spacefuture Blogger and Overblogger set me down, we saw the corpse of a sphinx on the ground near us!

“Okay why is there a sphinx here that’s not even the right cosmology for this setting.” Overblogger said.

“I’m more worried about why it’s dead.” Spacefuture blogger added.

“WHO COULD HAVE SLAIN SUCH A NOBLE AND MAJESTIC BEAST?” I yelled out, distraught at such meaningless slaughter.

“Twas I that slayed the beast!” A female voice said, as a woman made of fire appeared before us. “The Burning Bride!”

“How could you kill a sphinx? They’re an endangered species!”

“The sphinx was meant to be one of the trials you would face while ascending the mountain. It was to ask you a tricky riddle, which could only be answered by a truly clever person. But I couldn’t afford for the sphinx to kill you after you inevitably failed its riddle! I must be the one to kill you, and get my revenge for what you have done to me!”

“What I’ve…? I haven’t done anything to you! At least, not yet!”

“Nothing? NOTHING? You ruined my marriage!”

“I… I wha…?”

“The Brute used to be the perfect man! Always filled with such passion, such fire! But he changed after he fought you. Now all he wants to do is volunteer at soup kitchens and help the elderly! This isn’t the man I married!”

“Very well! We shall battle! But know that your fire is no match for the BURNING HEAT OF MY FIGHTING SPIRIT!”

“Fire? You underestimate me, Omega. I am well aware that my fire would be useless against you. But I was a Fear before I became the Burning Bride. Today you face the Flickering Woman!”

Oh no! The master of secret and hidden knowledge! I hadn’t prepared myself for this encounter! But I wouldn’t let myself be beaten! “Bring it on, Flickering-“


Okay, this is Spacefuture Blogger, Omega was out of commission for most of this, I’m taking over for this part. Halfway through Omega’s statement a beam of light came out of the Flickering Woman’s hand and entered his head. He immediately began to scream in pain as an incredibly bright light came out of his eyes. It looked almost like his head was burning from the inside.
“You can brag all you want Omega, but not even your mind can handle all of my knowledge!” The Flickering Woman boasted. “Your brain will burn itself out trying to cope with it all, and at last you will be defeated!”

As she spoke, the light in Omega’s eyes went out, and he fell to the ground, dead. “At last!” She cried out in joy. “My revenge is….” Omega got back up, and immediately resumed screaming again as the lights in his eyes reappeared.

“Um… How…?”

“He doesn’t stay dead.” I said. “Trust me. He’ll come back from literally anything.”

“Well that’s a bit anticlimactic.” Omega died again, only to come back and start screaming less than a minute later. “Although trapping him in an eternal hell certainly has its merits. Oh well. Time to deal with his friends.” The Flickering Woman pointed her hand at me, and the light of knowledge entered my mind.

Nothing happened. “What? How is your mind not crumbling under the vastness of the knowledge I am bestowing on you?”
“I’m from the future.” I said. “We’ve learned how to upload all excess data in our minds to the Cloud.”

“But that doesn’t make sense! Any cloud servers from the future shouldn’t be accessible in this time period!”

“Oh, no, I don’t mean the cloud like a group of servers. I mean literal clouds. We encode data onto water molecules floating in the sky.”

“Fine! Then I’ll just deal with the other!” The Flickering Woman pointed her hand at Overblogger, but hesitated.

“Yeah don’t even try it that’s not going to work on me.” Overblogger said. “Look, Flickering, are you doing okay? It’s not like you to get this directly involved in things.”

“I’m fine!” The Flickering Woman shouted. “It’s just… it’s been hard, since the Brute left. We were so perfect together. It’s not often you’ll find someone who’ll accept a woman who’s constantly on fire. But now he’s gone, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Overblogger nodded sympathetically. “I know that feeling. Sometimes people change, and they leave us behind. But there’s still plenty for you to do!”

“No, there isn’t!” The Flickering woman began to cry. “I’m nothing without the Brute! Just look at my name! ‘The Burning Bride!’ My entire identity is based on my relationship with the Brute! There’s nothing for me to do with him gone!”

“Don’t say that!” Overblogger gently grabbed the Flickering Woman by the shoulder. “Look at this Flickering Woman thing you’re doing now! It’s amazing! And you’re not relying on anyone else for it! It’s all you!”

“R-really? You think this is good? I don’t know, barely anyone wrote about this form before they started using the Burning Bride….”

“It’s amazing! Those writers didn’t know what they were missing when they turned you into the Brute’s distaff counterpart. You don’t need the Brute, you’ve got all the ingredients for success in yourself!”

The Flickering Woman sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes. “You… you know what? You’re right! Let the Brute go and waste his time at those soup kitchens! I don’t need him! I can be my own Fear!”

“That’s right! You go get ‘em, girl!”

“Thanks, Overblogger. It was good talking with you. You ever want to get in touch, just let me know.” The Flickering Woman looked back at Omega, who was still screaming during his brief moments of being alive. “I should probably deal with that.” She snapped her fingers, and the light disappeared from Omega’s eyes, along with his screams. Then the Flickering Woman vanished.

So apparently I missed some stuff that happened during this encounter, but I doubt it was important. Like so many Fears before her, the Burning Bride fled in terror from me! So great is the reputation of Omega that the Fears are not even willing to try and fight me, for they know defeat is the only outcome of that battle! And with yet another Fear defeated, we continued our journey to the top of Mount Fear.

Does Anyone in this Story Know First Aid? Help us Blind Man-Sensei!

So there I was. Broken and defeated. Spacefuture Blogger and Overblogger were about as sympathetic as you’d expect.

“Any chance you know how to fix a broken leg?” Overblogger said as she poked my exposed and bloody bones with a stick.

"No." Spacefuture Blogger said. “In my time period, we treated bone injuries by cutting off the broken limb and replacing it with a cool robot prosthetic. What about you?”

“I’m the anthromorphic personification of the concept of people who write too many fearblogs. I’ve got no idea how human bones are supposed to work. Guess we need to take him to a hospital.”

“Wait!” I gasped out through the pain. “There’s no time for that! I need to stop the Dying Man before he destroys all I love!”

“I don’t know about that. He kinda totally wrecked you. I don’t think you’ll stand a chance if you fight him again.”

“Then I’ll just need to get stronger really fast!”

“How are you going to do that?”

“You’ll see! Now someone pick me up, we’ve got places to be!”

With Spacefuture Blogger and Overblogger carrying me, we set off on our journey. It was a strange trip, following secret and eldritch paths which eventually led us to the Blind Man’s library. The Blind Man met us at the gates.

“Omega! How did you find my domain?”

“Yeah that was me, sorry mate.” Overblogger said.

“But why, Overblogger? Why lead him here!”

I cut off Overblogger’s reply, as I had more important things to say. “Blind Man! I demand that you teach me all you know of Kung Fu, so that I may gain more power and defeat the Dying Man!”

“What? Kung Fu? Are you insane, my deal is memory, I’ve got nothing to do with martial arts.”

“Don’t try to deceive me! You’re really old! That means you must be a Kung Fu Master!”

“Curses, you have seen through my deception! You’re right, I am a master of Kung Fu. But I would never teach my secret techniques to one such as you, who fight against us Fears?”

“What if I promised you a large role in one of my blogs?”

The Blind Man hesitate for a moment before responding. “How big of a role?”

“A very important one! One that is absolutely vital to the plot!”

“Well, that does sound… Wait a minute! It’s this blog, isn’t it? You’re just going to make me a larger role in this blog!”

Darn, he didn’t fall for my trick! Well, no use trying to deceive him anymore. “Yes, you’re right, I was just going to write you into a few more posts of this blog, but come on. It’s not like you’re drowning in offers for blog appearances!”

“Just shows what you know! I’m still a very well regarded Fear! Lots of people want to use me in their stories!”

“Oh, pssh. There’s not many blogs out there right now, and none of them want to use some washed up old man like you! Now this is my final offer! You either teach me Kung Fu and get a spot in this blog, or you go back to being some obscure Fear none of the cool kids care about!”

“Fine! You win! I’ll train you! But first, you must pass a trial to prove your worth! You must ascend to the top of Mount Fear, where you will find the lost artifact of Ecived Tolp! Bring it to me to prove your worth, and I will train you!”

The Strongest Fear! Omega defeated?

Following my unbroken string of glorious victories, I was feeling like some pretty hot stuff. Like a rampaging rodeo bull who’s thrown off and trampled a dozen bad smelling cowboys in front of a crowd of terrified children or something.

Over Blogger wasn’t happy with my righteous confidence. Kept trying to tell me that the King Fear was more powerful than anything I had faced, that I would need to be careful and prepared to face him. I ignored such warnings. After all, who could stand up against the Great Omega?

Today, I learned the answer to that question. As we traveled, I heard a voice call out to me.

“Hello Omega.” The voice did not come from a man, but from an old timey radio set up near a burning fireplace.

“Who are you, that speaks through this radio?” I demanded.

“I… am the King Fear!”

“So the King Fear was a radio all along!” I said with amazement.

“Not quite. I am merely speaking to you through this radio.”

“Too cowardly to meet me face to face, then?”

“Oh, we will meet in time. But first, I must test if you are worthy of challenging me. I shall have you face the mightiest Fear you have met thus far.”

“Bring them on! I…” My extremely clever and humorous reply was interrupted by a fist punching me in the gut. I flew hundreds of feet back before landing on my face. Whatever had struck me had moved too fast for even my trained eyes to see? But what kind of being had such power?

I lifted myself from the ground, and saw a man floating int eh air. His skin was ashen grey, covered in scars and boils, but he had massive muscles that rippled with every movement. “Who are you, strange muscular floating man?” I demanded.

“I…” He said in a vice that sounded like the dying gasps of a baby seal held up to a microphone, “am the Dying Man!”

“Impossible! The Dying Man does not have such power!”

“A single shard of me may not but while you were busy with your silly quest, I have been gathering together allm y missing pieces! At last, I am once again whole, and have regained my true power!”

“Power borne from evil is no match for the might of JUSTICE!” is what I would have said, were I not busy defending myself from the Dying Man’s sudden attacks. His strength and speed was beyond that of any opponent I had faced before, and I found myself unable to do anything by try and dodge. “Try” being the important word; it only took a few moments before my defense was broken and I was beaten down by his devastating blows.

“Go ahead and kill me!” I yelled defiantly. “I will only come back stronger than before!”

“You forget who you are facing! I am Death Incarnate! While fighting me, if you die in the blog you die in real life!”

Such terrifying power! I looked at my comrades for aid, but they were only watching from the side, eating some space popcorn that Spacefuture Blogger had procured. “Fine! Kill me then!” I said. “But I’ll go down fighting, like a real hero!”

“Oh, I’m not going to kill you. Not yet. Only after I have killed everything that you love will it be your turn to die.” As he said that, the Dying Man rose into the air. With a shout, a wave of dark, decaying energy came from him, and spread across the world.

“What did you just do?” I said.

“I have just killed that which you care for most of all. I have killed Anime!”

“Impossible! Nothing can kill Anime!”

“You doubt me? Why don’t you listen carefully, and behold the truth of my words?”

I stopped my screaming and listened. In the distance, I could hear the sounds of cheer and celebration. Such happiness could only be the result of one thing: Anime truly had been destroyed.

“YOU MONSTER!” I charged at the Dying Man, but he struck first, breaking both of my legs with one blow.

“Your time will come, Omega.” The Dying Man said. “But not yet. Lie there and wait for me. I will come when all you care for is dust.” With those parting words, the Dying Man flew away.

The Merry Mania! Omega Really Needs to Read the Wiki!

The Over Blogger filled me in on as many details about the King Fear as she could. Unfortunately, it wasn’t much. What we know is that the King Fear is the most powerful of all Fears, with all of their abilities combined together. He leads the Fears in secret, and is the cause of all misery and suffering within the Mythos. The Over Blogger has never seen him, making his true form a mystery.

Staying in one place for too long left us exposed, and as a result it wasn’t long before another Fear appeared to attack us! His face was blank save for an abnormally large and toothy smile, and he wore a bright multicolored suit over his long and spindly limbs.

“Behold, Omega! It is I, the…”

“It’s the Smiling Man!” I screamed at the foe.

The Fear seemed taken aback by this. “What? No! I’m not the Smiling Man!”

“He’s right.” Over Blogger said. “The Smiling Man is usually portrayed with more humanlike proportions and facial appearances. This is clearly something different.”

“Yes! As I was saying, I am…”

“It’s the Splendor Man!” I screamed again.

This proclamation was met with silence. “You… you mean from that parody video by Neil Cicierega?” Spacefuture Blogger said.

“Oh, he may have originated from a parody video.” I darkly replied. “But soon after, bloggers took it upon themselves to create genuine horror blogs featuring him!”

“Hm… no, that still doesn’t make sense.” Over Blogger thoughtfully said. “The Splendor Man wears a dark suit, not a multicolored one. Also he has eyes.”

“Thank you!” The Fear angrily said. “I’m not the Smiling Man or the Splendor Man! I am the….”

“It’s the mutant lovechild of the Smiling Man and Splendor Man!” I screamed once more.

“…. WHAT?!” The Fear screamed back. “How does that… that doesn’t make any…. I’m the Merryman! The fucking Merryman! Fear of the Irrational! You think just because I’m smiling I’m some kind of Smiling/Splendor ripoff? Lots of horror monsters smile! What, do you think the Red Cap and EAT are the same just because they’re both liquid?”

“You cannot trick me with your tricky whiles, SplendorSmiles Man!”

“…You know what? No. I’m done.” The Fear threw his hands up in the air in frustration. “I had something really cool planned. There were gonna be hallucinations, I was going to make you question what was real and what wasn’t, it was going to be really neat and everyone was going to have a good time. But you’ve ruined it. I’m done with this. I don’t even want to be a part of this stupid universe anyways. I’m going to see where the Vision went and hang out with her.”

As the Fear walked away, I nodded with satisfaction. “Another victory won for the forces of Good!”

Over Blogger seemed confused for some reason. “Did… did you actually plan that? Was that whole thing an act to beat him?”

“Silly Over Blogger, of course I planned it all!”

“Wow. That’s actually more impressive than what I would have thought from you.”

“The moment I saw the SplendorSmiles Man, I knew he was too cowardly to face me in direct combat! I just had to stand my ground, and he would run away like a coward! Even if they try to combine themselves, these Fears are no match for me!”

“Okay you know what I take what I said back. Let’s just… go and find the King Fear.”

Death Rises Again! The Fuck's a Portrayal?!

After AEONS of slumber, it was finally time for me to resume my conquest of Fear!

My next foe found Spacefuture Blogger and I as we waited in a creepy old subway station. A creepy old subway station… OF DEATH! For you see, as we waited for the subway, the people in the station began to disappear. At first we were too consumed by our impatience to notice, but our situation became apparent when the spooky grey mist began washing around our heels. A terrifying figure emerged from this fog. He appeared to be a man, wearing a frayed and dirty white hoodie, with a gas mask covering his face and gray wings coming from his back. Flies swarmed around him, like carrion hovering over a corpse.

“I-impossible!” I yelled. “The Archangel? But I killed you!”

“Foolish Omega!” It said in a rasping voice. “I am not the Archangel. I am… The Blitz!”

“… The who now?”

“The Blitz is the portrayal of the afterlife from the Runner Verse.” Spacefuture Blogger said. “He first appeared in the blog ‘An Eye for an Eye.’”

“… The fuck’s a portrayal?”

“It’s a different interpretation of a concept, allowing for greater creative freedom instead of being bound to explore that concept only through preexisting Fears. I thought you would know this?”

“Dude I haven’t cameoed in a blog in like three years I have no clue what’s going on in the modern Mythos. But if this is going to be like the Archangel, then it’ll be easy!”

“Don’t get so overconfident!” The Blitz hissed. “I saw your fight with the Archangel, and I will not be defeated so easily! Before you can even touch me, you must get past my ZOMBIE HORDE!”

On the Blitz’s command, a legion of gas mask wearing zombies rose out of the fog! They rushed to attack us, forcing Spacefuture Blogger and I to desperately fight for our lives!

“Curses!” I yelled as a zombie bumped its head against me in a futile attempt to bite me through its gas mask. “If only I had some form of weapon, I could defeat these zombies easily!”

“What about your sword?” Spacefuture Blogger said.

“Don’t be ridiculous! I lost that in my fight with the Cold Boy!”

“You literally just used it against the Slender Man!”

“That was a special episode! It’s not canon! But it does give me an idea….” I leapt onto the zombies, kicking off their heads until I’d reached the Blitz.

“You’ve done well to reach me, but this is as far as you go!” It said. “Your fists cannot harm me!”

Undaunted by the Blitz’s taunts, I punched through its decaying, maggot infested flesh. And out from it I pulled my sword!

“What? But how?!”

“All true warrior’s weapons have an undying soul of their own! And I have reclaimed my sword’s soul from the afterlife! Now, DIE!” With a mighty swing, I cleaved the Blitz in two! As its body fell away, millions of lost souls came flying out of its torn corpse. As the last soul left its body, the Blitz and all his zombies crumbled away into dust. As he faded away, a floating women appeared in his place. Her hands were stained with ink, and her clothes were made of parchment covered in writing.

“Who are you, strange floating woman?” I said to the strange floating woman.

“I am the Over Blogger! The Fear of Bloggers!”

“Impossible! You died years ago!”

“True! But now that the Blitz has been slain, I have escaped the afterlife and returned to the land of the living! And I come to form an alliance with you, Omega!”

“An alliance with a Fear? Is such a thing even possible?”

“It is not only possible, it is necessary! Your campaign of Justice has attracted the attention of the King Fear, leader of the Fears! On your own, not even you are strong enough to defeat him! You must travel the world, gathering allies and honing your strength in preparation for the final showdown with his armies of evil!”

No doubt this King Fear will be the most powerful opponent I have ever faced. But with the power of JUSTICE and FRIENDSHIP, there is no foe I cannot defeat!