The Strongest Fear! Omega defeated?

Following my unbroken string of glorious victories, I was feeling like some pretty hot stuff. Like a rampaging rodeo bull who’s thrown off and trampled a dozen bad smelling cowboys in front of a crowd of terrified children or something.

Over Blogger wasn’t happy with my righteous confidence. Kept trying to tell me that the King Fear was more powerful than anything I had faced, that I would need to be careful and prepared to face him. I ignored such warnings. After all, who could stand up against the Great Omega?

Today, I learned the answer to that question. As we traveled, I heard a voice call out to me.

“Hello Omega.” The voice did not come from a man, but from an old timey radio set up near a burning fireplace.

“Who are you, that speaks through this radio?” I demanded.

“I… am the King Fear!”

“So the King Fear was a radio all along!” I said with amazement.

“Not quite. I am merely speaking to you through this radio.”

“Too cowardly to meet me face to face, then?”

“Oh, we will meet in time. But first, I must test if you are worthy of challenging me. I shall have you face the mightiest Fear you have met thus far.”

“Bring them on! I…” My extremely clever and humorous reply was interrupted by a fist punching me in the gut. I flew hundreds of feet back before landing on my face. Whatever had struck me had moved too fast for even my trained eyes to see? But what kind of being had such power?

I lifted myself from the ground, and saw a man floating int eh air. His skin was ashen grey, covered in scars and boils, but he had massive muscles that rippled with every movement. “Who are you, strange muscular floating man?” I demanded.

“I…” He said in a vice that sounded like the dying gasps of a baby seal held up to a microphone, “am the Dying Man!”

“Impossible! The Dying Man does not have such power!”

“A single shard of me may not but while you were busy with your silly quest, I have been gathering together allm y missing pieces! At last, I am once again whole, and have regained my true power!”

“Power borne from evil is no match for the might of JUSTICE!” is what I would have said, were I not busy defending myself from the Dying Man’s sudden attacks. His strength and speed was beyond that of any opponent I had faced before, and I found myself unable to do anything by try and dodge. “Try” being the important word; it only took a few moments before my defense was broken and I was beaten down by his devastating blows.

“Go ahead and kill me!” I yelled defiantly. “I will only come back stronger than before!”

“You forget who you are facing! I am Death Incarnate! While fighting me, if you die in the blog you die in real life!”

Such terrifying power! I looked at my comrades for aid, but they were only watching from the side, eating some space popcorn that Spacefuture Blogger had procured. “Fine! Kill me then!” I said. “But I’ll go down fighting, like a real hero!”

“Oh, I’m not going to kill you. Not yet. Only after I have killed everything that you love will it be your turn to die.” As he said that, the Dying Man rose into the air. With a shout, a wave of dark, decaying energy came from him, and spread across the world.

“What did you just do?” I said.

“I have just killed that which you care for most of all. I have killed Anime!”

“Impossible! Nothing can kill Anime!”

“You doubt me? Why don’t you listen carefully, and behold the truth of my words?”

I stopped my screaming and listened. In the distance, I could hear the sounds of cheer and celebration. Such happiness could only be the result of one thing: Anime truly had been destroyed.

“YOU MONSTER!” I charged at the Dying Man, but he struck first, breaking both of my legs with one blow.

“Your time will come, Omega.” The Dying Man said. “But not yet. Lie there and wait for me. I will come when all you care for is dust.” With those parting words, the Dying Man flew away.

The Merry Mania! Omega Really Needs to Read the Wiki!

The Over Blogger filled me in on as many details about the King Fear as she could. Unfortunately, it wasn’t much. What we know is that the King Fear is the most powerful of all Fears, with all of their abilities combined together. He leads the Fears in secret, and is the cause of all misery and suffering within the Mythos. The Over Blogger has never seen him, making his true form a mystery.

Staying in one place for too long left us exposed, and as a result it wasn’t long before another Fear appeared to attack us! His face was blank save for an abnormally large and toothy smile, and he wore a bright multicolored suit over his long and spindly limbs.

“Behold, Omega! It is I, the…”

“It’s the Smiling Man!” I screamed at the foe.

The Fear seemed taken aback by this. “What? No! I’m not the Smiling Man!”

“He’s right.” Over Blogger said. “The Smiling Man is usually portrayed with more humanlike proportions and facial appearances. This is clearly something different.”

“Yes! As I was saying, I am…”

“It’s the Splendor Man!” I screamed again.

This proclamation was met with silence. “You… you mean from that parody video by Neil Cicierega?” Spacefuture Blogger said.

“Oh, he may have originated from a parody video.” I darkly replied. “But soon after, bloggers took it upon themselves to create genuine horror blogs featuring him!”

“Hm… no, that still doesn’t make sense.” Over Blogger thoughtfully said. “The Splendor Man wears a dark suit, not a multicolored one. Also he has eyes.”

“Thank you!” The Fear angrily said. “I’m not the Smiling Man or the Splendor Man! I am the….”

“It’s the mutant lovechild of the Smiling Man and Splendor Man!” I screamed once more.

“…. WHAT?!” The Fear screamed back. “How does that… that doesn’t make any…. I’m the Merryman! The fucking Merryman! Fear of the Irrational! You think just because I’m smiling I’m some kind of Smiling/Splendor ripoff? Lots of horror monsters smile! What, do you think the Red Cap and EAT are the same just because they’re both liquid?”

“You cannot trick me with your tricky whiles, SplendorSmiles Man!”

“…You know what? No. I’m done.” The Fear threw his hands up in the air in frustration. “I had something really cool planned. There were gonna be hallucinations, I was going to make you question what was real and what wasn’t, it was going to be really neat and everyone was going to have a good time. But you’ve ruined it. I’m done with this. I don’t even want to be a part of this stupid universe anyways. I’m going to see where the Vision went and hang out with her.”

As the Fear walked away, I nodded with satisfaction. “Another victory won for the forces of Good!”

Over Blogger seemed confused for some reason. “Did… did you actually plan that? Was that whole thing an act to beat him?”

“Silly Over Blogger, of course I planned it all!”

“Wow. That’s actually more impressive than what I would have thought from you.”

“The moment I saw the SplendorSmiles Man, I knew he was too cowardly to face me in direct combat! I just had to stand my ground, and he would run away like a coward! Even if they try to combine themselves, these Fears are no match for me!”

“Okay you know what I take what I said back. Let’s just… go and find the King Fear.”

Death Rises Again! The Fuck's a Portrayal?!

After AEONS of slumber, it was finally time for me to resume my conquest of Fear!

My next foe found Spacefuture Blogger and I as we waited in a creepy old subway station. A creepy old subway station… OF DEATH! For you see, as we waited for the subway, the people in the station began to disappear. At first we were too consumed by our impatience to notice, but our situation became apparent when the spooky grey mist began washing around our heels. A terrifying figure emerged from this fog. He appeared to be a man, wearing a frayed and dirty white hoodie, with a gas mask covering his face and gray wings coming from his back. Flies swarmed around him, like carrion hovering over a corpse.

“I-impossible!” I yelled. “The Archangel? But I killed you!”

“Foolish Omega!” It said in a rasping voice. “I am not the Archangel. I am… The Blitz!”

“… The who now?”

“The Blitz is the portrayal of the afterlife from the Runner Verse.” Spacefuture Blogger said. “He first appeared in the blog ‘An Eye for an Eye.’”

“… The fuck’s a portrayal?”

“It’s a different interpretation of a concept, allowing for greater creative freedom instead of being bound to explore that concept only through preexisting Fears. I thought you would know this?”

“Dude I haven’t cameoed in a blog in like three years I have no clue what’s going on in the modern Mythos. But if this is going to be like the Archangel, then it’ll be easy!”

“Don’t get so overconfident!” The Blitz hissed. “I saw your fight with the Archangel, and I will not be defeated so easily! Before you can even touch me, you must get past my ZOMBIE HORDE!”

On the Blitz’s command, a legion of gas mask wearing zombies rose out of the fog! They rushed to attack us, forcing Spacefuture Blogger and I to desperately fight for our lives!

“Curses!” I yelled as a zombie bumped its head against me in a futile attempt to bite me through its gas mask. “If only I had some form of weapon, I could defeat these zombies easily!”

“What about your sword?” Spacefuture Blogger said.

“Don’t be ridiculous! I lost that in my fight with the Cold Boy!”

“You literally just used it against the Slender Man!”

“That was a special episode! It’s not canon! But it does give me an idea….” I leapt onto the zombies, kicking off their heads until I’d reached the Blitz.

“You’ve done well to reach me, but this is as far as you go!” It said. “Your fists cannot harm me!”

Undaunted by the Blitz’s taunts, I punched through its decaying, maggot infested flesh. And out from it I pulled my sword!

“What? But how?!”

“All true warrior’s weapons have an undying soul of their own! And I have reclaimed my sword’s soul from the afterlife! Now, DIE!” With a mighty swing, I cleaved the Blitz in two! As its body fell away, millions of lost souls came flying out of its torn corpse. As the last soul left its body, the Blitz and all his zombies crumbled away into dust. As he faded away, a floating women appeared in his place. Her hands were stained with ink, and her clothes were made of parchment covered in writing.

“Who are you, strange floating woman?” I said to the strange floating woman.

“I am the Over Blogger! The Fear of Bloggers!”

“Impossible! You died years ago!”

“True! But now that the Blitz has been slain, I have escaped the afterlife and returned to the land of the living! And I come to form an alliance with you, Omega!”

“An alliance with a Fear? Is such a thing even possible?”

“It is not only possible, it is necessary! Your campaign of Justice has attracted the attention of the King Fear, leader of the Fears! On your own, not even you are strong enough to defeat him! You must travel the world, gathering allies and honing your strength in preparation for the final showdown with his armies of evil!”

No doubt this King Fear will be the most powerful opponent I have ever faced. But with the power of JUSTICE and FRIENDSHIP, there is no foe I cannot defeat!

SPECIAL EPISODE: The Battle for Justice! An Old Foe Returns!

He is coming for me. No matter how far I run, his pursuit has been relentless. I can’t keep this up anymore. Every time I close my eyes, I see his faceless visage gazing into me. I can hear his tentacles scraping across the windows, a constant reminder of my doom. I can hear footsteps coming towards me. No doubt one of his proxies, come to finish the job. I can only pray my death will be-

“Hey! Nerd! Get off the laptop!”

Then I slapped the computer out of the loser’s hands. What kind of weirdo keeps blogging as they are actively being hunted by terrible beasties? Anyways, the kid screamed and ran for it when he saw me. No doubt he was so excited to be in the presence of one as amazing as I, he just had to leave to tell his friends. Had I the time, I would have pursued him to offer my autograph. But there were monsters to hunt, and today I hunted the greatest prey of all: My old foe, the Slender Man!

Just like the kid had been whining about, Slendy’s tentacles were tapping on the window like a rude woodpecker. Well, too bad for you Slender, but I hate woodpeckers! I jumped through the window, striking a heroic pose as the shattered glass flew around me!

“SLENDER MAAAAAAAAN!” I yelled at the skinny suited stalker. “I, OMEGA, HAVE COME TO DEFEAT YOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!”

The Slender Man wasted no time before his tentacles launched their attack at me. I drew my Japanese katana, and sliced at the closest tentacle! The glorious Nippon steel, folded 1,000 times, cut through the noodle like appendage easily. None of the Slender Man’s spaghetti limbs were any match for my steel! Any master crafted weapon has a name signifying its soul, and mine is no different. The man who gave me the sword says that its name is “Baka Gaijin,” which means “Deadly Cherry Blossom”!

“So it truly is you, Omega!” The Slender Man said in his deep, sensuously baritone voice. “I see you’ve finally crawled out of the hole you were hiding in!”

“I wasn’t hiding! I was training! Training for the day where I DEFEAT YOU!”

“Hmph! I’d like to see you try! But first, you must defeat my PROXY ARMY!”

 ONE THOUSAND masked proxies came running out from the forest to face me! A car pulled up, and THREE DOZEN MORE came out, all carrying menacing weapons! To any lesser man, this would seem like an insurmountable challenge! But compared to the battles I have fought, a mere thousand men is nothing. I charged forward into the horde of unimportant mooks, cutting a bloody swathe through them! The first wave was simple enough, just some fools wearing cheap masks and wielding equally cheap baseball bats. But as I got deeper in, I found myself encountering proxies who could shoot lightning out of their hands, or fly! While challenging, not even they could last long against my fighting spirit. Mere minutes after the fight had begun, all of the Slender Man’s proxies were dead.

“I see time has not dulled your skills!” The Slender Man said. “But surely you realize that you have no hope of winning here!”

“There is always hope! Even in our darkest hours, hope survives! And as long as there is hope, my victory is assured!” I charged forward into Slender Man’s whirlwind of tentacles. My sword lived up to its name as it cut a beautiful path through the opposition, until I was mere feet away from Slender Man. I swung with all my might, hoping to end this fight with just one blow!

As fast as I am, Slender Man was still faster. But perhaps not quite fast enough. My sword may have missed his heart, but it cut off his tie. If Slender Man had a face, no doubt his look of surprise would have been priceless!

“It appears I have been underestimating you.” He said. “Time to take this fight seriously.”

“Seriously? Ha! Your bluffs won’t work on me!”

“Oh, it is no bluff! For you see, this is only 10% of my true power!”

“What?! That’s impossible!”

Slender Man screamed as he powered up. All I could do was watch in horror during the five minutes it took for him to reach 100% power. His muscles grew so large, they tore apart his shirt and coat. I cannot lie, Slendy was fucking shredded. Had something like a sixteen pack.

“You may now have gorgeous, powerful muscles, but I still shall defeat-” I was unable to finish my proclamation, as Slender Man’s fist was punching me in the face. I flew hundreds of feet before hitting the ground. Mere seconds later, Slendy was on top of me, pounding me with his muscular tentacles. “At last you see how helpless you are before my awesome power!” He yelled. “Now, DIE!”

He punched me into the air, and then jumped up and slammed me back into the ground. Slender Man was right. There was no way I could hope to challenge such power. All my training, for naught. I closed my eyes and accepted defeat.

“You can’t give up, Omega!” I heard a child’s voice shout. And then, another, shouting “You can beat him!” And it was at that moment I realized that I could never surrender to this monster. I wasn’t fighting for me; no, I was fighting for the children!

Slender Man was shocked to see me standing back up. “This cannot be! Nothing can survive my full power!”

“You may be strong, Slender Man, but it is strength borne from evil! I use my strength to fight for JUSTICE, and JUSTICE can never be defeated by evil!” As I shouted, the ground cracked apart, and lava erupted behind me!

“Interesting! Then we will see how your justice can survive against my ULTIMATE ATTACK!” Slender Man screamed as he readied his tentacles. “TENTACLE DESPAIR TYPHOON!”

“Then I too will use my finishing move! INFINITE JUSTICE EXPLOSION!”

We charged at each other, and collided with such force that the explosion could be seen from SPACE! When it faded away, I was on one knee and bleeding, but the Slender Man had a massive hole blown in his chest.

“Impossible… how could… a lesser being… defeat me?”

“Don’t underestimate us humans, Slender Man!”

And then he fell, dead. It was over. I had defeated the Slender Man. Exhaustion overtook me, and I collapsed. I’d won at last.

“Not so fast, Omega.”

Black tree branches burst from the ground and wrapped around my waist, pinning me down. Slender Man was back, once again in his thin and suited form.

“But… I killed you! How are you still alive?”

Slender Man cackled at my claim. “Killed me? You fool! This isn’t your precious ‘Fear Mythos,’ with its ‘Public Domain’ and ‘Creative Commons’ nonsense! I am a copyrighted character! Only Victor Surge and a still unknown third party may make any changes as dramatic as killing me! You are powerless here!”

He began to beat me with his tentacles, and I was powerless to defend myself. “So, what? After all that talk of how powerful you are, you’re just going to tie me down and kill me like a coward?”

“Oh, I’m not going to kill you! I know the futility in that. If I killed you, you’d just come back later to fight me again. No, I’m going to keep you alive. But the torment which I will put you through will make you wish you could die!”

So this was it. Trapped by the branches, rendered powerless by copyright law, and left without any means of fighting back. There was only one option left. It was a risky choice, but it was all I had left.

“His semen…” I said as the Slender Man paused in his beating. “… is periwinkle blue.”

Slender Man stopped in surprise. “… What did you say?”

With his attention on me, I began to quote: “I have been held captive since January. Only now have I the means of communicating this. I am being held by none other than the Slender Man himself. He is tall, nine feet in height, pale, thin and dressed in a black business suit. He has ten tentacles.”

“No! Impossible! That blog was deleted!”

“I remembered it, in preparation for this day! Every last word of it!” Then I resumed my recitation. “I remember the day I was taken so vividly, yet it feels like a dream. I was bathing when two masked men took me from my home, dressed me in a black dress with red lotuses and blinded me. When my sight returned I was in an wasteland. He stood before me, His presence terrifying and comforting at the same time. I recall a deep, biting pain in my head and I heard a calm man's voice tell me why I was there. I was to be His...mate.”

“No! Stop it!” He began hitting me again, but I fought through the pain and kept talking.

“His skin is lily white and completely hairless. He is a pleasure to touch, like running your hands over soft, warm silk. Though very little of him suggests that he is mamalian, he does have nipples, two of them--one on each side of his chest. He also has a navel, which tells me that he was born. Out of his back, he has ten small nubs.”

“STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!!”

“He does have a face, he can conceal it when he needs to, and only shows it to some. I have seen this face. His eyes are black and almond shaped, while his pupils are white. His mouth is lipless and filled with a row of canine teeth. His tongue is long, thin, and black. He has very high dexterity with his tongue.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

“He does posses a bodily odour, but it smells vaguely of fresh summer peaches. His blood is a deep violet colour, and his semen is periwinkle blue. He does need to "relieve" himself, like a human, and he does bathe. He enjoys cool water over hot. Hot hurts him.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And then the Slender Man exploded. Turns out Abducted was right. His blood really is violet colored.

Eye See You! The Inescapable Judgement!

As we left the desert, Spacefuture Blogger and I encountered a man waiting for us. He had eyes all over his face, and an eye in each palm. There was only one Fear this could be.

“I am Judgement, avatar of the Eye!” He yelled. “Now cower as I reveal your most terrible sins!”

“Eh, sorry Judgement. We already did this with the Black Dog.”

“What?!”

“Yeah. We’re literally just leaving that fight. He already revealed all our guilty secrets.”

“Well, did he reveal your guilt over not writing the Intrusion better?”

“Yup.”

“What about Spacefuture Blogger’s guilt over never going to space?”

“Did that one too.”

“Oh. Well… darn.” Judgement’s shoulders slumped and I heard him sniffling.

“Are you… crying?”

“No!” He used his sleeve to wipe his many eyes. “Maybe. I just put so much work into this, you know? I’ve got a consistent theme with lots of story potential, and an aesthetic that actually supports that theme. That’s a lot more than some Fears I could mention! And yet, every time, I get upstaged by that damn dog. What’s his deal even supposed to be? What’s the connection between a really big dog and people’s secrets? Is he ‘digging up secrets’ or something? It’s ridiculous! But he’s the one everyone knows about, and who gets all the blogs. These days I only seem to show up if I’m being combined with that stupid dog! It just makes it really hard to want to try when you know anything you do is going to get overshadowed.”

“Ah, come on Judgement, don’t be like that! Lots of people think you’re great!”

“R-really?”

“Yeah! Remember all the positive feedback ‘The All Seeing I’ got? People love the metaphorical you!”

“Then why do they  always make me tag along with the Black Dog?”

“You misunderstand us, Judgement! We don’t combine you with the Black Dog because we don’t like you! We combine you two to make the Black Dog more interesting!”

“Do you mean that?”

“Of course I do!”

Judgement stopped crying, and finally smiled. “Thanks Omega. That means a lot to me.”

“Ah, come here buddy! Give your ol’ pal Omega a hug!”

Judgement and I embraced in brotherly friendship. Then I felt the knife stab me in the gut.

“But… Judgement, why…?”

“Ha! You fool! You thought I would fall for that? You already did the whole therapy thing on the Brute! It won’t work twice!” Judgement cackled madly. “We’re doing this old school! No metaphors, no symbolism, I just possess someone and then they hunt you down and stab you to death!”

It was a very frightening speech. Unfortunately, it was a bit ruined by me laughing through it all.

“What’s so funny?”

“Oh, you poor, unsuspecting Fear. I knew that you might have something like this planned, and so I prepared!” I tore off my shirt, revealing that I was wearing steel armor plate underneath it!

This revelation did not seem to effect Judgement as much as I’d hoped. “Is that all? I am the Eye! I see all! I knew that you knew about my plan! Take a look at that knife I stabbed you with!”

I looked down at the knife, and saw that the knife was actually grenades! Before I could do anything, I exploded!

“AHAHAHAHA! At last, Omega is defeated, and I, the Eye, am VICTORIOUS!” Judgement turned towards Spacefuture Blogger. “Does it fill you with guilt, having done nothing as you watched your friend die right in front of you?”

“Not really. He was kind of a jerk.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter, because he’s finally dead!”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that!” I shouted as I appeared behind Judgement.

“What? Impossible! How did you survive?”

“I knew that you knew that I knew about your plan! Bet you didn’t see THIS coming, Judgement!”

Judgement screamed and stabbed at me. My image shattered into shards of glass as the knife hit it, and I appeared again behind Judgement. “How are you doing this?” He yelled.

“Can’t you see the trick? I arranged dozens of mirror at carefully precise angles all around this area! There’s no way for you to tell which me is real, and which is just a mirror image!”

In response to this, Judgement began wildly attacking every image he saw of me, shattering mirror after mirror, but not once did he hit me. As he struggled, I called out, “Hey, Judgement! You can see a lot! But can you see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?”

“WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!?!?”

The real me jumped out from behind the mirrors, right in front of Judgement. “IT’S BECAUSE THEY HAVE CINNAMON SUGAR SWIRLS IN EVERY BITE!” And I threw a bag of cinnamon sugar into his face.

“Ah! My eyes! It’s in my eyes! IT’S IN ALL OF MY EYES!” He screamed as he fell back, clutching his face. The sugar burned at his eyes, until they were empty sockets. He fell to the ground, and lay there motionless. The Eye had been defeated.

“I guess you could say… he didn’t see that one coming!”

We all had a good laugh.

The Inescapable Truth! Hounded by the Unrelenting Dog!

I had been worrying that the Intrusion would be a difficult opponent. After all, the Vision had predicted that Spacefuture Blogger would be killed by giant spiders. The actual encounter ended up being underwhelming, however. Once we found a giant web/ant mound hybrid thing in the jungle, we sprayed pesticide all over the place from the safety of a plane. Then we dropped a ton of napalm on it to be sure. All the giant spiders were already dead by the time we landed. After the epic battles I’d had against the other Fears, it was a little bit of a disappointment.

After that hollow victory, Spacefuture Blogger and I stopped at a restaurant to get celebratory hamburgers. As we ate, a large black dog came inside and sat next to our table. I tore off a piece of my burger and offered it to the dog. It stared at me with dark red eyes and said, “Do not think this offering can atone for your terrible sins.”

“Holy shit a talking dog.”

“Do not feign ignorance, Omega! I know that you are aware of who I am!”

“Fine, I admit it! You’re the Black Dog! But you came here for nothing, as neither Spacefuture Blogger or I have any dark secrets for you to reveal!”

“That’s right! You can’t do anything to us!” Spacefuture Blogger said.

“Is that so, Spacefuture Blogger? Or should I just call you Future Blogger? After all, you’ve never been to space!”

Shock! “What? No! I’ve been to space so many times!”

“Do not try to fool me with your lies! Omega has been to space more than you!”

“Wow Spacefuture Blogger, that’s really kinda deceitful of you.”

“Do not act so high and mighty! I know your lies as well! You claimed the Intrusion was an easy opponent, when in reality you just killed it offscreen because you don’t know how to write it very well”

“What? Nonsense! Omega is a master at writing every Fear!”

“Don’t make me laugh! The only interesting idea you ever had for the Intrusion was when you thought about combining it with other Fears that you do know how to write! Your Intrusion game is weak!”

This was too much. “We must flee, Spacefuture Blogger! He is too powerful for us!”

We jumped out the window and ran, but the Black Dog chased after us, revealing one terrible secret after another. We for days, but the Dog’s pursuit was relentless. Even when we tried to hide deep in a desert, he still found us.

“You cannot escape from the Truth, Omega! Such as the truth that you’ve watched the entire first season of Shugo Chara and enjoyed every second of it!”

“No! Lies! It’s a bad anime for people with bad tastes! I would never enjoy it!”

“Stay strong, Omega! He’s trying to get in your head!”

“And you, Spacefuture Blogger! Your personality is bland because you literally have no backstory at all!”

“Nonsense! I have a very detailed and emotional backstory!”

“Ha! What trite! Omega never bothered writing you one because he’s a lazy slob!”

We had no defenses against such unrelenting attacks. “Spacefuture Blogger… there’s only one thing left we can do.”

“Surely you don’t mean...!”

“I do. It’s the only way.” I stood and faced the Black Dog. He was grinning his doggy grin, preparing to unleash even more terrible secrets. Before he could, I ran forward, and I Kicked the Dog.

“W-what do you think you’re doing?” It cried as I Kicked the Dog again, sending it flying hundreds of feet. Spacefuture Blogger had to look away in horror, but I steeled myself with the resolve to continue.

“Wait!” The Black Dog said, and then changed into an adorable Black Puppy. “Not even you would dare hurt me when I’m like this!”

Those soulful puppy dog eyes stared deep into me, begging me not to harm this innocent creature. But I had a mission to complete, and so once more I Kicked the Dog, causing him to land next to a cliff’s edge. “You’re a monster! You’re even worse than us Fears!” It cried out.

“If I must become a monster to see the world freed from your tyranny, that is a sacrifice I will willingly make!” And then I kicked him off the cliff like a football MVP scoring a field goal.

Spacefuture Blogger and I breathed a sigh of relief when we heard the Black Dog’s body splat at the bottom of the cliff. At last, we were safe. We swore to never speak of this event again, excepting of course for public blog posts which go into detail over what happened.

Deja Vu! Trapped in the Algernon Forest?!

Following my GLORIOUS VICTORY over the Brute, it seems the rest of the Fears were too scared to confront me. Which meant the hunt was on! Spacefuture Blogger and I spent months traversing the world’s most hostile terrains, seeking our prey. We delved through ancient temples, uncovered lost artifacts, Spacefuture Blogger punched a mad squid god in the face, but all for naught. The Fears were too crafty in their hiding game.

Finally, we found a spooky forest. And if there’s one thing I know about the Fears, it’s that they love spooky forests. Spacefuture Blogger and I entered, only to quickly become lost amongst the black leafed trees. A dull white fog settled around us, blinding us to anything more than ten feet away. We had unknowingly walked into the Slender Man’s trap, and soon he would come to take his pretty.

In a state of near panic I searched with desperation for the path we’d entered on, but all was hidden by the omnipresent fog. Cavepast Scribe was no help at all; the only thing he seemed interested in doing was gathering together sticks. If the option to escape had been cut off, then we needed to prepare for confrontation. I drew the operator symbol on several sheets of paper and stuck them on branches around us. I still haven’t confirmed the effectiveness of M’s rules, but I willing to take any possible advantage I can. Then I prepared my baseball bat, and waited for our faceless adversary.

The minutes that passed seemed like hours. Every obscured branch looked like a tentacle, and every rustle of leaves sounded like the footsteps of proxies. The tension was unbearable. Cavepast Scribe continued to be completely useless, having only stopped gathering sticks so he could now bang rocks together over his pile of sticks. And then in the distance I saw a hint of motion. Could our tall foe have finally made an appearance? Well if I was going to die, I would do so facing death. I hefted my bat and charged towards that brief glimpse of the Slender Man.

From behind me, I heard a horrified shout. While banging his rocks together, it appeared that Cavepast Scribe had discovered the secret of creating fire. Unfortunately, he had yet to discover the secret of containing fire. The small flame that had begun in his pile of sticks was voraciously spreading, devouring everything around it. The Slender Man had been replaced by a much more immediate danger. Cavepast Scribe and I began running as fast as we could, as the inferno consumed the entire forest. Branches slapped across my face and tore through my skin as I sprinted without any regard for safety, just knowing I had to cover as much ground as I could. It was totally awesome. I did a motherfucking backflip over a collapsing tree that exploded when it hit the ground. The wall of fire was right behind us the entire time, but we barely managed to keep ahead of it. With only a few feet until we were out, Spacefuture Blogger and I dove forward, making it out of the forest just as it exploded into a gigantic fireball!

Anyways that’s how I killed the Alernon Forest true story.