Following my GLORIOUS VICTORY over the Brute, it seems the rest of the Fears were too scared to confront me. Which meant the hunt was on! Spacefuture Blogger and I spent months traversing the world’s most hostile terrains, seeking our prey. We delved through ancient temples, uncovered lost artifacts, Spacefuture Blogger punched a mad squid god in the face, but all for naught. The Fears were too crafty in their hiding game.
Finally, we found a spooky forest. And if there’s one thing I know about the Fears, it’s that they love spooky forests. Spacefuture Blogger and I entered, only to quickly become lost amongst the black leafed trees. A dull white fog settled around us, blinding us to anything more than ten feet away. We had unknowingly walked into the Slender Man’s trap, and soon he would come to take his pretty.
In a state of near panic I searched with desperation for the path we’d entered on, but all was hidden by the omnipresent fog. Cavepast Scribe was no help at all; the only thing he seemed interested in doing was gathering together sticks. If the option to escape had been cut off, then we needed to prepare for confrontation. I drew the operator symbol on several sheets of paper and stuck them on branches around us. I still haven’t confirmed the effectiveness of M’s rules, but I willing to take any possible advantage I can. Then I prepared my baseball bat, and waited for our faceless adversary.
The minutes that passed seemed like hours. Every obscured branch looked like a tentacle, and every rustle of leaves sounded like the footsteps of proxies. The tension was unbearable. Cavepast Scribe continued to be completely useless, having only stopped gathering sticks so he could now bang rocks together over his pile of sticks. And then in the distance I saw a hint of motion. Could our tall foe have finally made an appearance? Well if I was going to die, I would do so facing death. I hefted my bat and charged towards that brief glimpse of the Slender Man.
From behind me, I heard a horrified shout. While banging his rocks together, it appeared that Cavepast Scribe had discovered the secret of creating fire. Unfortunately, he had yet to discover the secret of containing fire. The small flame that had begun in his pile of sticks was voraciously spreading, devouring everything around it. The Slender Man had been replaced by a much more immediate danger. Cavepast Scribe and I began running as fast as we could, as the inferno consumed the entire forest. Branches slapped across my face and tore through my skin as I sprinted without any regard for safety, just knowing I had to cover as much ground as I could. It was totally awesome. I did a motherfucking backflip over a collapsing tree that exploded when it hit the ground. The wall of fire was right behind us the entire time, but we barely managed to keep ahead of it. With only a few feet until we were out, Spacefuture Blogger and I dove forward, making it out of the forest just as it exploded into a gigantic fireball!
Anyways that’s how I killed the Alernon Forest true story.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Into the Singularity Cell! Who Can Stop the Brute's Rage?
After getting ambushed by Fears several times so far, I felt like it was about time I got back to being on the attack. So I decided to go after a Fear I knew was going to be staying in one place: The Brute!
Spacefutuer Blogger and I found the Brute’s prison deep within the core of the Earth. The adventures we went through to reach such an impossible depth were too exciting and perilous to recount here. All I can say is that dinosaurs were involved.
We found the Brute bound by heavy chains. He strained against them as we entered, but his fetters were too strong to break.
“Alright, there he is.” I said. “Spacefuture Blogger, get those chains off him.”
“What? Why would I do that?”
“So I can fight him, of course.”
“That doesn’t sound like a good idea. Don’t a lot of blogs have him getting free being the cause of the apocalypse?”
“Well we can’t fight him while he’s trapped. That wouldn’t be sporting. Besides, I have a plan.”
“Is your plan to punch him really hard?”
“… Maybe.”
Spacefuture Blogger may have disliked the plan, but he still followed it. As soon as the chains were off him, the Brute soared up through the hole we had dug. We followed him back up, and found the streets in chaos. Enraged drivers ran down pedestrians. Dogs and cats brawled in bloody battles. Babies punched other babies. Above it all, the Brute hung in the sky, red eyes glowing in delight. I had to stop it at all costs! I jumped into the sky, and swung my fist at the Brute!
Of course as I did so I realized the problems with trying to punch something made of smoke. My fists went through it without harming it at all. It seemed like I needed a better plan.
“Spacefuture Blogger! Distract him!” I yelled. While Spacefuture Blogger danced and made loud noises, I ran to a chain factory. The workers, driven mad by the Brute’s power, were too busy fighting each other to pay attention to me. I grabbed as many chains as I could carry and ran back out.
The Brute was too fascinated by Spacefuture Blogger’s strange Future Dance to see me coming. I threw the chains over the Brute, pinning it to the ground and trapping him!
“Victory! We have defeated the Brute!” I shouted.
“We are literally right back where we started.” Spacefuture Blogger, ever the party pooper, said.
The Brute wasn’t taking his imprisonment passively. He roared and struggled, but the chains held fast. As the Brute screamed, fire came out of his mouth, coming right for me! Before it could hit, I threw Spacefuture Blogger in the way to block it. Once he had put out the fires in his clothes, Spacefuture Blogger shouted, “Why did you do that?!”
“Because, since the fire was not made of spiders, I knew it wouldn’t kill you! But I might have died!”
“So? You would have just come back! That’s what you do!”
“Yeah, but it looked like it would really hurt.”
“It did!” Spacefuture Blogger clenched his fists in rage. Behind him, one of the Brute’s chains snapped. “I am sick of being a meat shield! Everywhere I’ve gone with you, horrible things have happened! All my friends are dead! You shot me in the face! And then I was lit on fire! All of it was your fault!” Another chain broke.
“Stop it, Spacefuture Blogger! You’re making the Brute stronger!”
“Good!” He screamed. “I hope he smashes your face in!”
The chains exploded, and the Brute rose back into the sky. This time, he ignored everyone else and focused on me. I ran as fast as I could while the Brute chased after me, smashing everything in his way. Okay, so Plan B had also failed! Time to make up a Plan C!
I ran back to the chain factory, and grabbed more chains. But now I knew they wouldn’t work on their own. Next I ran to a furniture factory. I used the few seconds I had to move the furniture into the position I needed. When the Brute lunged at me, I dodged at the last moment, causing him to land on a couch. I threw the chains over him to keep him there and then I pulled up a chair for myself, grew a beard, put on glasses, and said in a heavy German accent, “Now tell me about your mother.”
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” The Brute roared.
“Mmhmm. And how did that make you feel?”
“AAAGRAAAGRRRRRAAA!!!!”
“Tell me more about that.”
“AAAAAAA! AAARAAAA! RAAAAAR… RARAAAHA. AHRAAARA!”
“That’s right, just let it all out.”
“RAHRARARA! RA… AGRRAAAA….” The Brute began to cry.
I patted him on the shoulder and said, “There, there. It’s all right. Do you want to scream into this pillow?”
“RA!” When he screamed, the pillow exploded.
“Better?”
“RA.” The chains holding the Brute slid off, and he calmly got off the couch.
“Here.” I gave him my business card. “If you ever need me, give me a call. Just remember that there are people out there who care about you and want to support you.”
And with that, the Brute left to become a productive member of society.
Spacefutuer Blogger and I found the Brute’s prison deep within the core of the Earth. The adventures we went through to reach such an impossible depth were too exciting and perilous to recount here. All I can say is that dinosaurs were involved.
We found the Brute bound by heavy chains. He strained against them as we entered, but his fetters were too strong to break.
“Alright, there he is.” I said. “Spacefuture Blogger, get those chains off him.”
“What? Why would I do that?”
“So I can fight him, of course.”
“That doesn’t sound like a good idea. Don’t a lot of blogs have him getting free being the cause of the apocalypse?”
“Well we can’t fight him while he’s trapped. That wouldn’t be sporting. Besides, I have a plan.”
“Is your plan to punch him really hard?”
“… Maybe.”
Spacefuture Blogger may have disliked the plan, but he still followed it. As soon as the chains were off him, the Brute soared up through the hole we had dug. We followed him back up, and found the streets in chaos. Enraged drivers ran down pedestrians. Dogs and cats brawled in bloody battles. Babies punched other babies. Above it all, the Brute hung in the sky, red eyes glowing in delight. I had to stop it at all costs! I jumped into the sky, and swung my fist at the Brute!
Of course as I did so I realized the problems with trying to punch something made of smoke. My fists went through it without harming it at all. It seemed like I needed a better plan.
“Spacefuture Blogger! Distract him!” I yelled. While Spacefuture Blogger danced and made loud noises, I ran to a chain factory. The workers, driven mad by the Brute’s power, were too busy fighting each other to pay attention to me. I grabbed as many chains as I could carry and ran back out.
The Brute was too fascinated by Spacefuture Blogger’s strange Future Dance to see me coming. I threw the chains over the Brute, pinning it to the ground and trapping him!
“Victory! We have defeated the Brute!” I shouted.
“We are literally right back where we started.” Spacefuture Blogger, ever the party pooper, said.
The Brute wasn’t taking his imprisonment passively. He roared and struggled, but the chains held fast. As the Brute screamed, fire came out of his mouth, coming right for me! Before it could hit, I threw Spacefuture Blogger in the way to block it. Once he had put out the fires in his clothes, Spacefuture Blogger shouted, “Why did you do that?!”
“Because, since the fire was not made of spiders, I knew it wouldn’t kill you! But I might have died!”
“So? You would have just come back! That’s what you do!”
“Yeah, but it looked like it would really hurt.”
“It did!” Spacefuture Blogger clenched his fists in rage. Behind him, one of the Brute’s chains snapped. “I am sick of being a meat shield! Everywhere I’ve gone with you, horrible things have happened! All my friends are dead! You shot me in the face! And then I was lit on fire! All of it was your fault!” Another chain broke.
“Stop it, Spacefuture Blogger! You’re making the Brute stronger!”
“Good!” He screamed. “I hope he smashes your face in!”
The chains exploded, and the Brute rose back into the sky. This time, he ignored everyone else and focused on me. I ran as fast as I could while the Brute chased after me, smashing everything in his way. Okay, so Plan B had also failed! Time to make up a Plan C!
I ran back to the chain factory, and grabbed more chains. But now I knew they wouldn’t work on their own. Next I ran to a furniture factory. I used the few seconds I had to move the furniture into the position I needed. When the Brute lunged at me, I dodged at the last moment, causing him to land on a couch. I threw the chains over him to keep him there and then I pulled up a chair for myself, grew a beard, put on glasses, and said in a heavy German accent, “Now tell me about your mother.”
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” The Brute roared.
“Mmhmm. And how did that make you feel?”
“AAAGRAAAGRRRRRAAA!!!!”
“Tell me more about that.”
“AAAAAAA! AAARAAAA! RAAAAAR… RARAAAHA. AHRAAARA!”
“That’s right, just let it all out.”
“RAHRARARA! RA… AGRRAAAA….” The Brute began to cry.
I patted him on the shoulder and said, “There, there. It’s all right. Do you want to scream into this pillow?”
“RA!” When he screamed, the pillow exploded.
“Better?”
“RA.” The chains holding the Brute slid off, and he calmly got off the couch.
“Here.” I gave him my business card. “If you ever need me, give me a call. Just remember that there are people out there who care about you and want to support you.”
And with that, the Brute left to become a productive member of society.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Spacefuture Blogger's New Power! Can Omega Fight Destiny?
After making our return to the present, it was necessary for Spacefuture Blogger and I to restock on weaponry. And it was a good thing that we did, as the moment we stepped out of the armory, the Vision appeared.
“Omega!” She said. “You may have escaped the future, but you cannot escape your future! Now prepare to face the despair that fate has ordained for you!”
“Eh.” I shrugged. “I’m not really feeling it. Spacefuture Blogger, you want to take this one?”
“Why? You haven’t backed out of any fights before.”
“I dunno. Dealing with the Vision always makes me feel like I’m dealing with someone’s magical dream girl.”
“… Oh do not give me that. You have no right to judge. I’ve read your Wooden Girl stories.”
“What? That’s, that’s completely different!”
“How? How is it in any way different?”
“It is different. Because. Of many reasons. Reasons which are all very good. And which Oh hey look she’s attacking you should do something about that.”
Before the Vision could look at me with her dreadful gaze, I threw Spacefuture Blogger between us. He locked eyes with her, and she began to foretell his fate.
“I see… you will be eaten by spiders!”
“No!”
“Yes! Giant evil spiders! They will tear you apart!”
“I hate spiders!”
“You do! And you will cry for help, but none will come!”
“That’s terrible!”
“It is! You will suffer long as you slowly die!”
Then I shot Spacefuture Blogger in the head.
“What… what the fuck?” The Vision screamed. “Jesus Christ why the fuck did you do that?”
“You predicted he would die by spiders! Instead, he has died by bullets! I have broken the chains of fate! Take that, predestination!”
“I think I’m still alive….” Spacefuture Blogger moaned.
“Oh. Sorry, I’ll do it right this time.” Another gunshot. “Are you dead now?”
“No….” He said between sobs of pain.
“Damn. Let me get a grenade.”
“No! Don’t get the grenade! Leave the poor man alone!”
“Too late!” I threw the grenade, and it exploded. “Now I have cut the strings of fate!”
“I’m still okay!” Spacefuture Blogger said from beneath the pile of rubble. “I think the explosion helped. I can’t feel my gunshot wounds over this concussion.”
“If not even the grenade worked…. Spacefuture Blogger, do you know what this means?”
“Wait, I was wrong, I can still feel them. And the shrapnel. Oh go the shrapnel.”
“You’re effectively immortal now that we know how you’ll die! So long as we avoid giant evil spiders, nothing that happens to you will ever actually kill you!”
“Every moment I continue to live is a moment of pure agony.”
“Wait. I don’t want to go risking your life needlessly. I need to test this hypothesis. Let me get another grenade.”
“Okay this is just getting obscene, I’m putting a stop to it.” The Vision grabbed my face and forced me to look at her eyes. “Now behold the terrors that await you in… oh. Huh.”
“What? What horror has destiny written for me?”
“Actually, nothing. You’re future’s fine. Stuff kinda works out for you in the end. Um. I’m not sure what to do next. Most people I try this on have something really bad that’s going to happen to them.”
“So does this mean we fight now?”
“No. No, I’m done.” She walked away, shaking her head in frustration. “This whole thing has been a terrible experience and I want to put it as far behind me as I can. I’m going over to the Slender Man Mythos. They’d never let a blog like this fly.”
And that was how Spacefuture Blogger became immortal and I defeated the Vision.
“Omega!” She said. “You may have escaped the future, but you cannot escape your future! Now prepare to face the despair that fate has ordained for you!”
“Eh.” I shrugged. “I’m not really feeling it. Spacefuture Blogger, you want to take this one?”
“Why? You haven’t backed out of any fights before.”
“I dunno. Dealing with the Vision always makes me feel like I’m dealing with someone’s magical dream girl.”
“… Oh do not give me that. You have no right to judge. I’ve read your Wooden Girl stories.”
“What? That’s, that’s completely different!”
“How? How is it in any way different?”
“It is different. Because. Of many reasons. Reasons which are all very good. And which Oh hey look she’s attacking you should do something about that.”
Before the Vision could look at me with her dreadful gaze, I threw Spacefuture Blogger between us. He locked eyes with her, and she began to foretell his fate.
“I see… you will be eaten by spiders!”
“No!”
“Yes! Giant evil spiders! They will tear you apart!”
“I hate spiders!”
“You do! And you will cry for help, but none will come!”
“That’s terrible!”
“It is! You will suffer long as you slowly die!”
Then I shot Spacefuture Blogger in the head.
“What… what the fuck?” The Vision screamed. “Jesus Christ why the fuck did you do that?”
“You predicted he would die by spiders! Instead, he has died by bullets! I have broken the chains of fate! Take that, predestination!”
“I think I’m still alive….” Spacefuture Blogger moaned.
“Oh. Sorry, I’ll do it right this time.” Another gunshot. “Are you dead now?”
“No….” He said between sobs of pain.
“Damn. Let me get a grenade.”
“No! Don’t get the grenade! Leave the poor man alone!”
“Too late!” I threw the grenade, and it exploded. “Now I have cut the strings of fate!”
“I’m still okay!” Spacefuture Blogger said from beneath the pile of rubble. “I think the explosion helped. I can’t feel my gunshot wounds over this concussion.”
“If not even the grenade worked…. Spacefuture Blogger, do you know what this means?”
“Wait, I was wrong, I can still feel them. And the shrapnel. Oh go the shrapnel.”
“You’re effectively immortal now that we know how you’ll die! So long as we avoid giant evil spiders, nothing that happens to you will ever actually kill you!”
“Every moment I continue to live is a moment of pure agony.”
“Wait. I don’t want to go risking your life needlessly. I need to test this hypothesis. Let me get another grenade.”
“Okay this is just getting obscene, I’m putting a stop to it.” The Vision grabbed my face and forced me to look at her eyes. “Now behold the terrors that await you in… oh. Huh.”
“What? What horror has destiny written for me?”
“Actually, nothing. You’re future’s fine. Stuff kinda works out for you in the end. Um. I’m not sure what to do next. Most people I try this on have something really bad that’s going to happen to them.”
“So does this mean we fight now?”
“No. No, I’m done.” She walked away, shaking her head in frustration. “This whole thing has been a terrible experience and I want to put it as far behind me as I can. I’m going over to the Slender Man Mythos. They’d never let a blog like this fly.”
And that was how Spacefuture Blogger became immortal and I defeated the Vision.
Hero of the Future! Let's Rocket Punch a Giant Baby!
Unfortunately, I miscalculated when I made my jump out of the Cold Boy’s spaceship. Instead of quickly making it back to Earth, I didn’t return until TEN THOUSAND YEARS had passed! I was awoken from my space induced slumber by a group of people wearing chrome clothing. Around us was a towering sci-fi cityscape, with a pitch black sky above. One of the people stepped forward and spoke to me.
“Omega! I am Spacefuture Blogger, leader of the Spacefuture Runners! We need your help!”
“I never turn down those in need!” I said. “Tell me, what has become of the world?”
“The Manufactured Newborn has taken over, and now rules the future with an iron fist!”
Of course, that was no surprise. What other Fear could take control of the future like this? “But what happened to the sun? Did the Newborn do something to it?”
“No, that was because of something else. Ten thousand years ago, some fool launched the Cold Boy into the sun, causing it to freeze!”
“Ah.” I tried not to look any of the Spacefuture Runners in the eye. “Sorry about that. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“You were the one who did it? Why would that ever have seemed like a good idea?”
“I needed to kill him!”
“You could have just thrown some napalm on him or something!”
“What? No reader would accept him dying like that!”
“Why not? No one cares about the Cold Boy anymore! There hasn’t been a blog centered on him since 2013! I’ll bet you could have just shot him with a flamethrower and not a single person would have complained.”
Spacefuture Blogger had a point. But before I could correct that mistake, I needed to find a way back to the present. I asked Spacefuture Blogger about how that could be done. “The Manufactured Newborn has a time machine, but it is located deep within its Tower. We will need to destroy it before we can reach the machine. And the Tower is heavily defended.”
“No defense can stand up against the might of humanity’s courage! Let us go into battle!”
With the Spacefuture Runners backing me up, I charged into the futuristic city. A huge metal tower, taller than a mountain stood before us. At its base was a crowd of people, blocking the entrance to the Tower.
“Curses!” Spacefuture Blogger said. “The Newborn’s servants. They’re like zombies, always plugged into their cell phones, never having any real interaction with other human beings.”
“Hey! Such attitudes are a sign of close-minded ignorance.” I said, getting out a soap box to stand on. “While from the outside it may look like the younger generation’s obsession with technology is antisocial, in reality it has allowed for greater connections with one another. I, for one, believe that….”
“No. They are literally plugged into their cell phones. The Newborn uses them as batteries. Look.”
I looked harder at the crowd, and realized that wires were coming out of each individual’s phone and into their eyes. “Oh. So they really are like zombies.”
“Yup.”
“Well, they’re still in the way. Let’s kill them.”
We charged forth, letting loose a terrifying battle cry. The zombies noticed us and began to moan, “Like. Comment. Share. Subscribe. Like. Comment. Share. Subscribe.” As they shambled toward us.
Having lost my sword in the fight with the Cold Boy, I could not cleave a bloody path through the nefarious horde. Still, I did the best I could, slaying hundreds of the fiends. But even my greatest efforts were not enough against the numbers we fought. In the face of such a mindless onslaught, the Spacefuture Runners began to be overrun. And to make the situation worse, the Newborn’s Tower began to move. Giant gears and sheets of metal moved, until the Tower had transformed into a Giant Robot Baby!
“The Manufactured Newborn itself has joined the battle!” Spacefuture Blogger cried out. “All hope is lost!”
“Hope is never lost!” I yelled. “As long as we continue to fight for our freedom!”
The Spacefuture Runners rallied behind this call to action, and were then immediately crushed underneath the Newborn’s robot foot. Spacefuture Blogger and I were the only survivors. It took all of our skill to avoid the Newborn’s attacks as its giant baby hands punched the ground around us. Its blows were so strong that it caused the very ground to crack apart, causing Spacefuture Blogger and I to plummet into the rift.
I know not for how long we fell, but when we landed we were in a metal cavern filled with the wreckage of machines. “What is this place?” I asked.
“This must be the Newborn’s horde.” Spacefuture Blogger said. “The place where it has gathered together technology from every age into a massive collection. We shouldn’t stay here long, lest….”
“Hey look I found a giant robot!”
“You found a WHAT?”
Lying amongst the wreckage was a robot, nearly two stories tall, covered in weapons. The words “OPERATION RAGNAROK” were written in bold black letters across the chest.
“What is ‘Operation Ragnarok’?” Spacefuture Blogger asked.
“It was a multiblog Pacific Rim/Fear Mythos crossover. Cool stuff, shame it didn’t last long.”
“That idea sounds stupid.”
“You sound stupid! Now shut up and get into the robot!”
Neither of us could find a power button inside the cockpit. Instead, there was a large red button labelled only as “ROCK OUT.” I punched the button, and the sound of an electric guitar roared through the cavern as the robot began to move. The robot punched out of the cavern, bursting into the city. The Manufactured Newborn was waiting for us, but this time we were on equal footing. Before the Newborn could strike, we shot it with our robot’s Laser Eyes! As it stumbled, we hit it with a Rocket Fist! And then, our finishing move! We jumped into the air and kicked the Manufactured Newborn with our Drill Foot, causing it to explode!
“There’s the time machine!” Spacefuture Blogger pointed at a phone booth that had fallen out of the destroyed Newborn.
“Perfect! Now we can return to the present!”
“We?”
“Yes! I might need a meat shield when fighting the Fears!”
“I don’t think I like the sound of that….”
“Shut up and get in the time machine!”
“Omega! I am Spacefuture Blogger, leader of the Spacefuture Runners! We need your help!”
“I never turn down those in need!” I said. “Tell me, what has become of the world?”
“The Manufactured Newborn has taken over, and now rules the future with an iron fist!”
Of course, that was no surprise. What other Fear could take control of the future like this? “But what happened to the sun? Did the Newborn do something to it?”
“No, that was because of something else. Ten thousand years ago, some fool launched the Cold Boy into the sun, causing it to freeze!”
“Ah.” I tried not to look any of the Spacefuture Runners in the eye. “Sorry about that. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“You were the one who did it? Why would that ever have seemed like a good idea?”
“I needed to kill him!”
“You could have just thrown some napalm on him or something!”
“What? No reader would accept him dying like that!”
“Why not? No one cares about the Cold Boy anymore! There hasn’t been a blog centered on him since 2013! I’ll bet you could have just shot him with a flamethrower and not a single person would have complained.”
Spacefuture Blogger had a point. But before I could correct that mistake, I needed to find a way back to the present. I asked Spacefuture Blogger about how that could be done. “The Manufactured Newborn has a time machine, but it is located deep within its Tower. We will need to destroy it before we can reach the machine. And the Tower is heavily defended.”
“No defense can stand up against the might of humanity’s courage! Let us go into battle!”
With the Spacefuture Runners backing me up, I charged into the futuristic city. A huge metal tower, taller than a mountain stood before us. At its base was a crowd of people, blocking the entrance to the Tower.
“Curses!” Spacefuture Blogger said. “The Newborn’s servants. They’re like zombies, always plugged into their cell phones, never having any real interaction with other human beings.”
“Hey! Such attitudes are a sign of close-minded ignorance.” I said, getting out a soap box to stand on. “While from the outside it may look like the younger generation’s obsession with technology is antisocial, in reality it has allowed for greater connections with one another. I, for one, believe that….”
“No. They are literally plugged into their cell phones. The Newborn uses them as batteries. Look.”
I looked harder at the crowd, and realized that wires were coming out of each individual’s phone and into their eyes. “Oh. So they really are like zombies.”
“Yup.”
“Well, they’re still in the way. Let’s kill them.”
We charged forth, letting loose a terrifying battle cry. The zombies noticed us and began to moan, “Like. Comment. Share. Subscribe. Like. Comment. Share. Subscribe.” As they shambled toward us.
Having lost my sword in the fight with the Cold Boy, I could not cleave a bloody path through the nefarious horde. Still, I did the best I could, slaying hundreds of the fiends. But even my greatest efforts were not enough against the numbers we fought. In the face of such a mindless onslaught, the Spacefuture Runners began to be overrun. And to make the situation worse, the Newborn’s Tower began to move. Giant gears and sheets of metal moved, until the Tower had transformed into a Giant Robot Baby!
“The Manufactured Newborn itself has joined the battle!” Spacefuture Blogger cried out. “All hope is lost!”
“Hope is never lost!” I yelled. “As long as we continue to fight for our freedom!”
The Spacefuture Runners rallied behind this call to action, and were then immediately crushed underneath the Newborn’s robot foot. Spacefuture Blogger and I were the only survivors. It took all of our skill to avoid the Newborn’s attacks as its giant baby hands punched the ground around us. Its blows were so strong that it caused the very ground to crack apart, causing Spacefuture Blogger and I to plummet into the rift.
I know not for how long we fell, but when we landed we were in a metal cavern filled with the wreckage of machines. “What is this place?” I asked.
“This must be the Newborn’s horde.” Spacefuture Blogger said. “The place where it has gathered together technology from every age into a massive collection. We shouldn’t stay here long, lest….”
“Hey look I found a giant robot!”
“You found a WHAT?”
Lying amongst the wreckage was a robot, nearly two stories tall, covered in weapons. The words “OPERATION RAGNAROK” were written in bold black letters across the chest.
“What is ‘Operation Ragnarok’?” Spacefuture Blogger asked.
“It was a multiblog Pacific Rim/Fear Mythos crossover. Cool stuff, shame it didn’t last long.”
“That idea sounds stupid.”
“You sound stupid! Now shut up and get into the robot!”
Neither of us could find a power button inside the cockpit. Instead, there was a large red button labelled only as “ROCK OUT.” I punched the button, and the sound of an electric guitar roared through the cavern as the robot began to move. The robot punched out of the cavern, bursting into the city. The Manufactured Newborn was waiting for us, but this time we were on equal footing. Before the Newborn could strike, we shot it with our robot’s Laser Eyes! As it stumbled, we hit it with a Rocket Fist! And then, our finishing move! We jumped into the air and kicked the Manufactured Newborn with our Drill Foot, causing it to explode!
“There’s the time machine!” Spacefuture Blogger pointed at a phone booth that had fallen out of the destroyed Newborn.
“Perfect! Now we can return to the present!”
“We?”
“Yes! I might need a meat shield when fighting the Fears!”
“I don’t think I like the sound of that….”
“Shut up and get in the time machine!”
Saturday, January 24, 2015
The King of Winter! A Journey to the Stars!
I had hoped to continue my alphabetical rampage and make my next target either the Brute or the Burning Bride, but this plan was not to be. As I took a stroll by a perfectly peaceful and not suspicious lake, I was attacked by the Cold Boy! Gigantic icicles, each the size of a skyscraper, rained down on me like big frozen knives from the sky! I drew my sword and sliced each one apart before it could hit me. Having failed to ambush me, the Cold Boy rose from out of the lake.
“Your journey ends here, Omega!” His attempts at sounding intimidating were ruined by his squeaky youthful voice. “This lake will be your final resting place!”
“There can be no rest for me so long as EVIL exists in the world for me to thwart!” I said.
The Cold Boy sent an icy wind at me, trying to freeze me where I stood. But his cold was no match for the heat of my BURNING SPIRIT! I charged through the gale, and sliced his head off.
“Impossible!” The head said as it rolled on the ground. “How are you doing this? We’re in the middle of nowhere, with no one else around! I should be all powerful!”
“Fool! I’m not alone! My friends are right here, in my heart! I can hear them calling out their encouragement to me!”
The Cold Boy grew a new icy body and stood back up. “Then I will take this battle to a place where no one’s words can reach you.” He pointed to the sky. “SPACE!”
A spaceship made of ice formed around us and took off. I looked out a frosted window and saw stars around us.
“You’ve made a grave miscalculation, Cold Boy! He problem spaceships encounter is not dealing with the coldness of space, but removing heat! In a vacuum, there are no molecules for heat energy to dissipate to! You and your ship will melt!”
“You think I didn’t predict that? I have set this spaceship on a course to THE MOON! The trace atmosphere there will be enough for me to overcome the heat and freeze you!”
He was right. I had to act fast, or I was doomed. I raised my sword and threw it. The Cold Boy easily stepped aside, and the blade went by him. “You missed!”
“I wasn’t aiming for you!” The sword was jammed in the navigation controls, causing the ship to turn away from the moon.
“What have you done?!” The Cold Boy cried out. “You’ve doomed us both! Once the ship melts, you’ll have no way to make it back to Earth!”
“That’s what you think!” I punched a hole in the wall, and air began to rush out. “An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted on by an outside force! All I need to do now is jump out in the right direction, and eventually I will make it back home!”
“I won’t let you!” Ice formed at my feet, trapping me.
“Now, let us die together in the lonely abyss of space! … is what you’re about to say, right?”
“Now, let us die together in the… what?!”
“I win this fight, Cold Boy! You should really pay more attention to where your ship is going!”
The Cold Boy looked out the window behind him. We were no longer heading towards the moon; now, our spaceship was rapidly approaching the sun.
“Not even your winter’s chill can stand up against the power of the UNCONQUERED SUN!” I shouted as the ice holding me melted.
“This is bullshit!” The Cold Boy yelled.
“You’re bullshit!” I jumped out the hole I’d made as the ship crashed into the sun.
“Your journey ends here, Omega!” His attempts at sounding intimidating were ruined by his squeaky youthful voice. “This lake will be your final resting place!”
“There can be no rest for me so long as EVIL exists in the world for me to thwart!” I said.
The Cold Boy sent an icy wind at me, trying to freeze me where I stood. But his cold was no match for the heat of my BURNING SPIRIT! I charged through the gale, and sliced his head off.
“Impossible!” The head said as it rolled on the ground. “How are you doing this? We’re in the middle of nowhere, with no one else around! I should be all powerful!”
“Fool! I’m not alone! My friends are right here, in my heart! I can hear them calling out their encouragement to me!”
The Cold Boy grew a new icy body and stood back up. “Then I will take this battle to a place where no one’s words can reach you.” He pointed to the sky. “SPACE!”
A spaceship made of ice formed around us and took off. I looked out a frosted window and saw stars around us.
“You’ve made a grave miscalculation, Cold Boy! He problem spaceships encounter is not dealing with the coldness of space, but removing heat! In a vacuum, there are no molecules for heat energy to dissipate to! You and your ship will melt!”
“You think I didn’t predict that? I have set this spaceship on a course to THE MOON! The trace atmosphere there will be enough for me to overcome the heat and freeze you!”
He was right. I had to act fast, or I was doomed. I raised my sword and threw it. The Cold Boy easily stepped aside, and the blade went by him. “You missed!”
“I wasn’t aiming for you!” The sword was jammed in the navigation controls, causing the ship to turn away from the moon.
“What have you done?!” The Cold Boy cried out. “You’ve doomed us both! Once the ship melts, you’ll have no way to make it back to Earth!”
“That’s what you think!” I punched a hole in the wall, and air began to rush out. “An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted on by an outside force! All I need to do now is jump out in the right direction, and eventually I will make it back home!”
“I won’t let you!” Ice formed at my feet, trapping me.
“Now, let us die together in the lonely abyss of space! … is what you’re about to say, right?”
“Now, let us die together in the… what?!”
“I win this fight, Cold Boy! You should really pay more attention to where your ship is going!”
The Cold Boy looked out the window behind him. We were no longer heading towards the moon; now, our spaceship was rapidly approaching the sun.
“Not even your winter’s chill can stand up against the power of the UNCONQUERED SUN!” I shouted as the ice holding me melted.
“This is bullshit!” The Cold Boy yelled.
“You’re bullshit!” I jumped out the hole I’d made as the ship crashed into the sun.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
The First Opponent! A Fight Against a God?!
The first target of my GLORIOUS CRUSADE was the Archangel, as he is first alphabetically! Except for Amalgm! And Aqualung! And the Algernon Forest…. And… the Answer….. And…. Okay shut up we’re doing Archangel first!
I found my prey in an old abandoned warehouse. My genius plan was to dramatically enter by kicking the door open, but SOMEONE forgot to mark that it was a pull door, so I may or may not have broken a leg trying to open it.
The Archangel was waiting for me inside. “I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, OMEGA!” His booming voice shook the building and caused the windows the shatter. “NOW PREPARE TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF MY ARMY OF CULTISTS!”
Hundreds of men and women armed with every weapon imaginable came rushing out. In seconds, I had been completely surrounded.
“… Why are they gangsters?”
“WHAT?”
“Why are the cultists gangsters? I don’t understand the thematic connection. Are they particularly religious gangsters? Do they have some kind of heaven/hell imagery going on?”
“THEY ARE THEMATICALLY APPROPRIATE BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD.”
That was when I was cut down by a hail of bullets. Of course, I have never let petty things like dying get in my way. It was only a few seconds later before I came running back into the building.
“Ha ha! Next time try bringing it your A-game!”
Then they shot me again.
This cycle continued for quite some time. A few cultusts had to take a break from shooting so they could clear way all the bodies I was leaving behind. Eventually, as expected, they ran out of bullets.
“Ha ha! What will you and your silly army do now that you cannot shoot me?” The Archangel responded to this question by hitting me in the head with a tire iron. “Ow! Hey what the hell what kind of Fear kills people with a tire iron?”
“SILENCE, FOOL! NOW DIE!” And with my head caved in, I died again.
Exactly as planned.
Once more I entered the building, with considerable swagger in my step. “You’ve fallen into my trap, Archangel! Now my victory is assured!”
“HA! A PATHETIC BLUFF!”
“Before calling it a bluff, why not see how you’re feeling right now?”
“I FEEL AS POWERFUL AS EVER BEFO-” He froze, and then began to shake uncontrollably. “W-WHAT IS HAPPENING?”
“Every person who dies becomes a part of you, right? And I’ve done a whole lot of dying in my time!”
“IMPOSSIBLE! TO AFFECT ME YOU WOULD NEED TO HAVE DIED BILLIONS OF TIMES!”
“Damn right, son! And now, one more to tip the scale!” I moonwalked backwards into the streets, where a truck hit me.
The Archangel fell to his knees and cried out. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Then I burst out of his chest as his body exploded behind me. The cultists fled as burning pieces of the Archangel rained down around them.
One down.
I found my prey in an old abandoned warehouse. My genius plan was to dramatically enter by kicking the door open, but SOMEONE forgot to mark that it was a pull door, so I may or may not have broken a leg trying to open it.
The Archangel was waiting for me inside. “I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, OMEGA!” His booming voice shook the building and caused the windows the shatter. “NOW PREPARE TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF MY ARMY OF CULTISTS!”
Hundreds of men and women armed with every weapon imaginable came rushing out. In seconds, I had been completely surrounded.
“… Why are they gangsters?”
“WHAT?”
“Why are the cultists gangsters? I don’t understand the thematic connection. Are they particularly religious gangsters? Do they have some kind of heaven/hell imagery going on?”
“THEY ARE THEMATICALLY APPROPRIATE BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD.”
That was when I was cut down by a hail of bullets. Of course, I have never let petty things like dying get in my way. It was only a few seconds later before I came running back into the building.
“Ha ha! Next time try bringing it your A-game!”
Then they shot me again.
This cycle continued for quite some time. A few cultusts had to take a break from shooting so they could clear way all the bodies I was leaving behind. Eventually, as expected, they ran out of bullets.
“Ha ha! What will you and your silly army do now that you cannot shoot me?” The Archangel responded to this question by hitting me in the head with a tire iron. “Ow! Hey what the hell what kind of Fear kills people with a tire iron?”
“SILENCE, FOOL! NOW DIE!” And with my head caved in, I died again.
Exactly as planned.
Once more I entered the building, with considerable swagger in my step. “You’ve fallen into my trap, Archangel! Now my victory is assured!”
“HA! A PATHETIC BLUFF!”
“Before calling it a bluff, why not see how you’re feeling right now?”
“I FEEL AS POWERFUL AS EVER BEFO-” He froze, and then began to shake uncontrollably. “W-WHAT IS HAPPENING?”
“Every person who dies becomes a part of you, right? And I’ve done a whole lot of dying in my time!”
“IMPOSSIBLE! TO AFFECT ME YOU WOULD NEED TO HAVE DIED BILLIONS OF TIMES!”
“Damn right, son! And now, one more to tip the scale!” I moonwalked backwards into the streets, where a truck hit me.
The Archangel fell to his knees and cried out. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Then I burst out of his chest as his body exploded behind me. The cultists fled as burning pieces of the Archangel rained down around them.
One down.
The Hero Rises! An End to Fear?!
Romans! Countrymen! Lend me your ears! And any other appendages which you are not currently using!
Too long have we lived under the tyranny of fear! An oppressive, all pervasive fear which may or may not be a metaphor for various aspects of the human condition! But that ends today!
I am Omega! And in the name of Truth, Justice, Freedom, and Hope, I shall destroy the Fears!
I mean it shouldn’t take too long to do that. There’s only, like, 15 of them? 20 at most. Yeah this will be over fast.
…. What do you mean “over 100”? The fuck’s a “portrayal”? Back in my day, when we wanted to write a Fear blog, we didn’t go and write about dozens of new Fears all willy nilly! Nosir! We sat down, and we wrote a story about the Slender Man or the Wooden Girl, just like nature intended! In a blizzard! Uphill both ways!
Too long have we lived under the tyranny of fear! An oppressive, all pervasive fear which may or may not be a metaphor for various aspects of the human condition! But that ends today!
I am Omega! And in the name of Truth, Justice, Freedom, and Hope, I shall destroy the Fears!
I mean it shouldn’t take too long to do that. There’s only, like, 15 of them? 20 at most. Yeah this will be over fast.
…. What do you mean “over 100”? The fuck’s a “portrayal”? Back in my day, when we wanted to write a Fear blog, we didn’t go and write about dozens of new Fears all willy nilly! Nosir! We sat down, and we wrote a story about the Slender Man or the Wooden Girl, just like nature intended! In a blizzard! Uphill both ways!
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